First of all, I hope everyone was able to read my London Blog while I was away. I'm sorry I wasn't posting it doubly here, but if you did read it you know the issues we had with internet accessibility. It was really strange, we really felt cut-off. My phone didn't work the entire time I was there (mostly because I didn't want to pay for anything extra in order to use it) so there was no texting, emailing on the go, or anything like that. We had internet in the common areas of our dormitory (but NOT in the rooms, oi) and at random places around London. But overall the trip was amazing, and I really had a wonderful time. I'd suggest going through and reading about it on the blog, if you're interested.
Since I got back (over a month ago - yikes!) things have been a whirlwind. There were lots of "hey, you're back! Let's go out for dinner!" with many friends, which was nice. I also had two births: one, my good friend here in Denver had a little boy at the end of June, and two, my sister had my niece just two weeks ago. Plus there were many "to-do's" to make up for things that didn't happen while I was gone. Lots of errands to run, lots of little basic things you don't think about until they don't happen for awhile. This weekend is "Deep Cleaning Weekend 2012," so I'll be holed up in our place for as long as possible this weekend cleaning and scrubbing. It needs to happen. Then the next few weeks will be purging, organizing, and all that fun stuff to get done before going back to classes in August.
And to do a quick recap before diving into my thoughts: the internship has been pretty good. Stressful sometimes, but mostly good. I'm learning a lot, and I have a great mentor for a boss. The problem is that there's not a lot of structure or organization, nor are there any set processes in place. The main guy is a bit of a micro-manager. Not in a bad way, but in the way that we want to get work done but can't because we need approval for everything. I recently found out that, though they'd originally planned to have two interns they've changed their minds and will only have one - me - which is also a little stressful. I did have a chat with my boss/supervisor the other day about staying on into the fall semester. As of now I'm not sure what I'll do (which you'll understand very soon) but if I were to stay I'm not sure if I'd want to do the full-time thing unless it was an actual paid job with a salary. Right now I work more than I think I should just as an intern (typically 8:30-6:00 five days a week, with a "working lunch" most days) and since I'm a contractor I'm not getting taxes taken out, which I'm sure will screw me in the spring. But if they could pay me the same amount and I could work like Tuesdays through Fridays… maybe. I'm taking three classes this fall so I can graduate so I'll need a bit more time for homework anyway. If I could do three off and four on it might work out.
So now I'll dive into what's been driving me crazy the last week or so.
At the beginning of the month I was sitting at home, screwing around on my laptop, when I decided to visit the SCFD (Scientific & Cultural Facilities District) website. Every once in a while I check their job postings, just to see what's happening in the cultural organizations around town. Most of the time I look to see if there's anything Matt would enjoy. But on that night, as I was scrolling the page, I noticed one that caught my eye: "Marketing Coordinator - Denver Center for Performing Arts."
My heart skipped a beat. It was the entry level marketing position at DCPA, the largest theatrical organization in town. It was one of those jobs that I'd always talked about "if it ever opens up I gotta go for it." And here it was, available now, when I'm so close to being done with school. So, within the next 24 hours, I sent in a resume. I wrote in my cover letter how I was anxious to pair my passion for theatre with my marketing experience, and that being in a theatre marketing position was a career goal for me. That afternoon, I got a response from the HR director saying they'd received my application and forwarded it "for consideration."
Of course I anxiously and impatiently waited for a few days. The application deadline was last Thursday, so I wasn't wholly expecting a response from anyone till after then. But now it's been a week and I'm so stressed I can hardly stand it. I'm trying really hard to be patient. I keep debating whether or not to send a foliow-up email, because I know sometimes they are "hey, this gal really wants this job" and sometimes they are "holy crap, stop annoying me, I'll call you if I want to interview you." All I know is that I'm so stressed that I want to pull my hair out and scream.
I know it all seems pretty over-dramatic. I mean, it's quite possible that I've got a pending job at my internship, so it's not like I'll be unemployed again any time soon. But I still am so overly concerned about it. And I know exactly why. It's so much more than a job to me. It's a potential future, a livelihood, a dream. And it's staring me in the face, it's so close I could reach out and grab it. And if I don't get it I'm going to be crushed.
The first thing I thought about when I applied for the job was how, if I started working at a "real" job in August rather than January it'd bump our whole timeline up by half a year. Buying a house, starting a family, all that could happen sooner. And while those things are still weighing very heavily in the front of my mind, it's become a bit more elaborate than that. This little job, this little entry-level position at the largest theatre complex in the city, is this "new start" I'm supposed to have. After two years of shit, it's supposed to be that turning point, that "FINALLY! Something good!" moment. It's supposed to be the start of the good part of our life, of our relationship and our future. It's supposed to be the steady, relatively-well-paying job so Matt can work on his voice acting stuff more. It's supposed to be the financial means to our security. It's supposed to be the beginning of something so wonderful. And it's not happening. And it makes me feel guilty, it makes me feel ashamed. It makes me feel like, even after everything we've been through over the last two years that life's gonna pull the rug out from under us again and that we're still going to be in this shitty cycle. Matt's going to stay at his job and never get to pursue his dream. I'm going to get a job at this company, and though I'm sure the pay will be sufficient it will mean working 10 hour days and at home on the weekend. It'll mean starting on our savings later, and it will push off all those hopes and dreams we have. It just makes me wonder what the fuck is going on anymore. If there is a higher power out there, then I've clearly fallen out of favor. And yes, I'm making this all about me right now. Selfish, I know.
I'm just so sick and tired of this. I'm sick and tired of my life sucking all the damn time. I'm sick of not getting the things I want. I'm sick of putting my life on hold because nothing good is happening.
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