Stage Seven: Anger

I'm watching When In Rome and in the first 5 minutes it's had Kristen Bell, Lee Pace, and 3OH!3. I think it is safe to say that I'll like this movie.

And yes, that's about the extent of my excitement for today.

Friday was my meeting with an admissions counselor for the UC-Denver's School of Public Affairs, and I was actually pretty impressed with the broad spectrum of the program. I went in with an interest in non-profit management but didn't really realize how many different fields are involved... I am not terribly sure if it is a right fit for me, at least not from what I've researched so far... I guess I have never seen myself in a leadership role, especially not in government, but I can't really say my esteem has been terribly high lately.

I have a feeling that I will be revisiting the Business School and applying for their MS in Marketing. I'm not entirely sure if I'll enjoy Marketing... I mean, I'm sure it is interesting but I don't really know enough about it to know if I'd like it. I do know that, if I can get into it, there is usually pretty good money in it. I could always get that Masters, and get a non-profit management certificate, and then I'd hopefully have my bases covered for whatever I may end up doing in the future. I guess we'll see in two years.

I can't help but realize that, if I go back to school for two years, I'll be graduating just about when Matt and I were hoping to start a family. Could I manage doing both, graduating and trying to re-begin a career track, and start a family all at the same time? Or do I need to change my plans to accommodate this? Not to mention I'd be getting a brand new job, working for maybe a year, then having to take time off for maternity leave. I just thought, when things started to get better earlier this year, when I got the new job, that I'd have a good couple years at a job I liked and that Matt and I would be saving some money up so we could be prepared in two years. But if I go back to school that's zero income for me (unless I get some sort of cost-of-living loan, but that will probably do more harm than good) and we won't have that preparation.

I think that is the main reason why I'm so upset about all this. It's not the sudden shock, it's not actually losing the job and the money, it's not the gnawing boredom I feel everyday, it's the fact that being unemployed has completely fucked my future plans. I'm the type of person that has to have a plan, I hate things being un-organized, I hate spur of the moment surprises, I hate having plans that suddenly no longer exist. If I have to change a plan I want it on my terms, not someone else's, and I'm just so angry that I don't quite know what to do.

I feel like Matt and I will never accomplish the things we want to do, and I'm so pissed about it. We want to buy a house, have a family, travel and vacation, buy a new car (like an actual "new" car)... and now with all this uncertainty we aren't able to confidently do anything, not even going out to eat or seeing a movie. Our life has quickly become TV-focused (until things get bad enough that we have to cancel the cable) and we spend our days off together taking care of the dogs and sitting around. We were hoping to re-vamp our "home office" with a new computer next spring, and were hoping to move into a larger apartment or townhouse sometime next year. I'm not even planning for anything beyond next month because of this major change. It's just so frustrating.

On lighter and perhaps happier news tomorrow is mine and Matt's two year wedding anniversary. We were hoping to spend our Saturday together and have a date, perhaps try to take a day trip somewhere, but needless to say that didn't happen. Instead, thanks to the generosity of my parents, we'll be having dinner at Old Chicago. We had already decided not to get presents for each other (Ozzie kind of became our present for both of us) so at least we don't have to worry about that, but I was hoping to get him a little something extra... it seems like we've had to dumb down so many of our celebrations in our 5 years together due to money and other stresses. For once I'd love to actually have a real celebration, like take a trip or splurge on something really extravagant.

But I suppose it's time to do some womanly duties like take Ozzie outside and then make dinner... one good thing about being home alone every day is that I can prep and cook meals every night...

Hopefully the Anger Stage will subside before tomorrow so I can celebrate our anniversary, at least a little.

Going to the Dogs

The last few days have been more of the same... Ozzie's training is coming along really well. His accidents are down to about one a day, with an occasional mark, and since he's just under 5 months old we still get the random "excited pee." We finally wised up and started pulling the water bowl up a few hours before bed... which I feel a bit embarrassed that we didn't think of that earlier! He finally will go down the stairs on his own and only wakes up a couple times at night with a little whine. Now we will start working on basic obedience like sit and stay, and hopefully work on his crate training a bit more. He still whines and cries a good deal when he is left alone in the crate, but he isn't nearly as loud or frantic as Mirabelle used to be. All in all he is getting better, and he and Mirabelle are getting along pretty well (they are currently playing with each other and will wear each other out before bedtime!).

Yesterday I took my campus tour of the Iliff School, which I am glad to have visited but I don't think their degree is for me. The degree seems to be a bit more religion-based than I'd hoped, as part of the requirements include a Biblical Canon sequence and some Christian History classes. I don't mind studying religion (I do have a minor in it, after all) but it seems their programs are more focused to those who want to be ministers or work in a church setting, which I don't really want to do. I even sat down with their course catalog today to see what classes I'd need to fulfill their degree and just couldn't really make it make sense for me. I have yet to hear from UC-Denver (which is frustrating considering I'd requested information well over a week ago) so I'll be calling them tomorrow with a "WTF guys?"

My big fear is that I'll choose to go back to school, invest all kinds of money in a master's degree, and when I'm done I still won't be able to get a job I want or enjoy. I guess I just have to remain positive that things will rebound in the next two years. I saw that UC-Denver has a Historic Preservation graduate certificate, which could be cool... it's definitely been an area of interest for me, having grown up in Red Wing and living in Kirksville for 5 years, but I don't know if I'd want to make it my life's work. It'd be an option, though... I always was so pissed when I'd hear about Kirksville tearing down another historic site or visiting to see that nothing was being preserved.

I've gotten to a point now where I'm really leaning more toward working with animals in some capacity... so I've revised my resume a bit and am going to apply at a few other places tomorrow, both animal retail/grooming and the humane society in Littleton. I applied to be a part-time investigations clerk at Dumb Friends League but haven't heard anything back yet (that job would be best as it'd allow me to sell my car; it is within biking distance from here and about a 20 minute bus ride). Obviously one of the two shelter positions would be best for a future career choice, but right now I just need to get some money coming back in. And I need to find something to occupy my time... I can only watch so many episodes of "Animal Cops" in one day...

The last two days have been particularly rough. Money is tight, we are out of food (other than the couple cans of soup and frozen fruit in the fridge; we have no meat at all) and I am feeling pretty worthless. I've been trying to crunch the finances for this week (Matt's payday is Friday) to see if I can afford to get a few staple items and the $1.88/lb beef and chicken that is on sale at Sunflower Market, which I think I will be able to... plus I can request my first unemployment funds on Monday next week. I got a call today from my former supervisor, and he left a message saying, "Give me a call, I have a few ideas for you," which I appreciate but it definitely kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I'm sure the ideas will be either barista/service positions (which make much less per hour than retail, usually just under minimum wage) or "You should invest into such and such franchise/drive-thru/turn-key shop" which of course requires money we don't have. Besides, I'm just burnt out on the coffee industry right now. I love it, it's something I'm passionate about and I'd still love to own and operate my own shop someday, but right now I'm feeling like school would be the best option. I suppose I will call him back tomorrow to avoid being a bitch, but I just don't know what I'd want to do in that industry right now.

So that's pretty much everything you missed the last couple of days. Hopefully something less boring will happen in the next few days that will be more exciting to read about.

Boys Are So Difficult

Ozzie's really been trying my patience today. He either hates being on the leash or hates being outside, I can't really tell which it is. I got up this morning at about 7:00, let him out, and somewhere in the 30 seconds I took to get dressed and throw my hair up he managed to get out into the living room and pee on the floor. It was a doozy too, because I tried rolling him over when I caught him and he was STILL peeing. It reminded me so much of Bruce Almighty: "House, Bathroom, Bathroom, House!"

I leashed him and took him out, and he finished peeing and pooed for me. I've noticed something strange, though, is that he's not really treat-motivated. I don't know if he doesn't like the treats we have (he did for the first couple days, at least!) or if he just would rather keep on his way, but most of the time when I'm praising him for a job well-done he leaves the treat in the grass. He is figuring out (in the morning, at least) that he has to potty outside before I'll let him back in the house, so once he's done both he books it toward the door.

I can't help but compare him as a puppy to Mirabelle. Mirabelle was, actually, a pretty damn easy puppy to train. She took to pad training right away (we lived on the 3rd floor so getting her pad trained was way easier than trying to leash her up and get her downstairs) and when we were able to train her to potty outside she took to that immediately too. She loves being on the leash and running around outside, almost too much sometimes! I've never had a dog that I've had to train to go up and down stairs (although in Ozzie's defense the steps are a bit taller than he is), I've never had to train a dog to walk on a leash... he's just been a very different type of puppy.

Matt was off today, so we took an opportunity to take Mirabelle and Ozzie out together at lunchtime. In the process we ran into our complex's "office manager" (I say in quotes as she's really just a resident who works in the office from 4-6 pm M-F) who first commended us on being responsible dog owners (she came up by us while Matt was picking up Mirabelle's #2) then asked if we'd gotten a second dog, a silly question in my mind as there were two of us walking two dogs. When I responded with a tentative "Yes" she responded that the complex had banned "new dogs" about two years ago, and that the dogs that had been in before the ban were grandfathered. "Oh," we replied, "we really had no idea," which is completely true. But as she walked away she said "Well, I saw nothing, I know nothing!" I guess all those poop bags and diligently picking up after Mirabelle helped us out a bit.

I also realized, on an excursion to the bank across the street for laundry quarters, that the sign at our complex's entrance reads "Comdominiums" instead of "condominiums." Needless to say, I don't know how much longer I can live here...

I got a new cell phone today, just a little plastic cheapo thing to get me through for the next few months. Matt is still set on getting iPhones once our finances stabilize (you know, 14 years from now) so for now I am just doing a no-contract plan. It's coverage areas are pretty shoddy, but as long as I watch it I should be okay. I'm still waiting for my cell number to port over, but hopefully it'll be done by morning. I have to go back to the old job tomorrow and drop off my phone and pick-up my car seat (I had it pulled out for hauling stuff; a VW bug has a surprisingly large truck if you lay the back seat down!). I'm not really looking forward to it, but it'll be as quick as I can make it.

I still feel pretty torn up about them letting me go... not because of the stress or the lack of money, but because I loved working there with such an amazing group of people. Everyone got along, for the most part, and everyone cared about each other. I wasn't the best at what I was doing, I was still learning and trying to get my feet under me, but I felt like they all supported me and wanted me to succeed. I felt like I was wanted there, like they were happy I was working with them. And while I'm sure that's all true it makes it all the worse to not be there anymore. The last job I had that actually made me happy was while I was in college, so it was a nice change. Hopefully the next one will be the same way.

I haven't heard back from the hotel, the animal shelter, or the coffee shop I applied at; I'll have to do some follow-up calls tomorrow. I guess I should start applying for lower-level jobs like receptionist and general office work... at least to get some funds coming in. I am going to the Iliff School on Monday for a visit and meeting with admissions to find out more about their Master's of Social Change program. The more I think about it, the more I want to pursue a career working with a non-profit group as an events coordinator. It'd combine something I am good at (planning) with something I'm passionate about. The problem for me, and one thing I'd have to talk to admissions about at the universities, is how easy it is to jump into that right away. I'm sure I'd have to start lower, like in donor relations, and work up, but I don't know. All I know is that, if I do go back to school I'll more than likely sell the Beetle. It'll put $5000 in my pocket, with which I can pay back my grandma and have a little something to put away for the next time something like this happens.

I also got my unemployment packet yesterday (whoopdee-shit) and my estimated funds letter. I have to read the packet, sign it, sign an information sheet, mail it all back... it's a hell of a process. I have to register with a job placement coordinator as well, which I'm not terribly excited about. Yes, I want to work, but I don't want to start rotting away in some office filing paperwork. I'd rather get a barista job... at least it's something I enjoy doing, even if the pay is pretty rotten.

I never actually did my laundry today, so I'll probably do a load or two tomorrow. I have to run back to the office and then one of my girlfriends, having recently heard of my unemployment, wants to take me out for a beer... I can't pass up a free beer! Plus there will be more training with Ozzie and searching for work...

Daytime TV Sucks

I never realized how many "take your career to the next level with an associate's degree from Blah Blah University" commercials are on during the day. I suppose it makes sense though; people who are home during the day watching TV are either unemployed by choice or are in my situation, so it'd be appealing to go to an online university for 11 months and get a degree that will lead you to a career where you'll make a million dollars a year. Thank goodness for an old ANTM marathon on Oxygen!

I shouldn't be so negative. I've requested information from a few universities for information about Master's Programs, just as I'd done earlier this year. It just opens up another question about what I'd study and what I want to do. I'd talked to an admissions counselor at UC-Denver about a Masters in Marketing, but to be honest I don't really remember why I'd looked at that particular degree. Maybe it was the money? I don't know. Recently I've looked at a non-profit management degree and looked at a "Master's of Social Change" degree, which is intriguing to me. As I mentioned previously I just want to do something that'll make a difference. I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be in charge, I just want to bring happiness to people. Right now I feel like going back to school is the only thing that really makes sense to me - but the timing is awful right now, as fall semester just started at the beginning of this week. If I can find a job that allows me to do these things then great, but I'm not going to take a job making $7/hour so I can continue to be miserable.

I'm often asked why I don't go back to school for a teaching degree so I can teach theater. I have a lot of respect for teachers, but I've never had the desire to do it. I don't have the patience! I've certainly thought about it, but I just don't think I'd really love it like so many great teachers do.

I feel so guilty today, because I woke up at 7:00 and really haven't done anything at all today. I should, with all my free time, be cleaning and taking care of our apartment, cooking, maybe going through all the junk we have around here and start purging. Maybe it's because of the reason I'm here, but I just don't have the energy to do anything. I feel like I haven't slept at all this week, and I feel like my back's been screwed up for three weeks. I did get my dumbbells out of Matt's car, so I can at least start working on some arm workouts, but I'd love to have the energy to walk and do some more exercise. I don't feel like I've been just lying here feeling sorry for myself, but I just hurt so bad and am so tired. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get some laundry done, but I only have $10 for quarters and need to wash about 3 loads of my clothes, a load of sheets, and a load of towels.

I have been working on Ozzie's training though, although we need to start on his crate training again. I can't figure out how to get him (or Mirabelle, for that matter) to stop freaking out when we leave. Mirabelle has always been a spaz... never to the point of separation anxiety, but she definitely barks and howls when we leave. Ozzie is less of a spaz, but he's starting to whine and cry when he's in the crate by himself and I don't want it to escalate. I'm a huge fan of "It's Me or the Dog" and Victoria Stilwell's "Positively" training, so when I have the money I may go get her book and see if she's got any suggestions. I'm home all day every day right now, so I might as well try to work with them and solve these issues before they get worse. And I know you are dying to know, Ozzie's potty training is going well. He hasn't had an accident since yesterday afternoon and has successfully pottied outside twice. He's actually having more trouble with the leash training! He had his first puppy vet appointment yesterday and got his rabies shot, two more puppy vaccinations, and we had to get a medicated ear cleaner that we need to use once a day for a week. He has a booster shot appointment on the 14th and hopefully he'll be neutered by the end of September.

I realized the other day that mine and Matt's 2-year wedding anniversary is in about a week and a half, which is a little depressing to me because I don't know what we're going to do to celebrate. It seems like we never really celebrate anything due to lack of funds, whether it be birthdays or anniversaries or any other major event. I guess we'll just have to see what happens in the next week or so.

So now I suppose I will scour the job postings for a bit, take Ozzie out again for a mid-afternoon potty break, and make my marinade for dinner tonight. Matt's working till 9 so I am on my own till then. I'll need to find a snack, too. My tummy is growling. We really need to get some basic groceries, so I suppose I will try to figure out a few cheap things we can buy to feed us for a long time. And I'm sure there will be plenty more bad TV.

What do you want to be?

So, you're unemployed. Now what?

Whoa whoa, Court, WTF do you mean? Well, it's actually pretty simple. I have become one of the faceless mass, those a victim of a shit economy whose employer faced a "reduction in force," and mine was one that was cut. The hardest part about it all is that I was finally with a company I loved, where I felt I belonged and truly wanted to succeed. I guess right now it all feels a little strange, but it opens a whole can of worms regarding my 26 years on this earth and the question we all face as first graders: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

In the last 48 hours I seem to have gone through several stages of unemployment "grief". First, complete and total shock. Second, gut-wretching distress and fear. Third, worthlessness and depression. Fourth, assertiveness and realism. Fifth, boredom. Sixth, deep contemplation.

I've been thinking long and hard since Friday about what I need to do next. Obviously there was the unemployment filing, the immediate and frantic job search for nothing out there... but all I've been able to do is wonder how I got here, how I ended up NOT knowing where I wanted to be at 26.

I vaguely remember, as a child, wanting to be a performer. I didn't want to be any of your commonly heard careers like a teacher, a doctor, or a policeman. I wanted to be a clown in the circus, I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted to be a DJ or a singer... this clearly manifested as I got older and began doing theater. But, once I got into college and started thinking about being an adult with a husband, a house, bills, kids someday... I knew that I needed something more steady and substantial. Through a stereotypical barista job I found a love and appreciation for coffee, which then became a permanent fixture in my adult life, first when we moved to Denver and through until last week. Along the way I thought of other things, like a career in marketing (not because I was really interested in it, but because I knew there was money in it), but now I feel a strange liberation of a new beginning... the flip side is that I haven't the slightest idea what to do with my life now.

One thing I have always known, whether it was a subconscious idea or a blazingly obvious one, is that I want to help make things better. Once upon a time I wanted to be a minister (I know, SHOCKER) but the backbone to it was wanting to help people. I wanted to be a performer because I wanted to bring joy to people. I loved working as a barista because, in some small way, I was giving someone happiness in the form of a mocha with sprinkles. Now as I look forward I try to think of a way to incorporate that into my future career. I've researched getting a degree in non-profit management and have applied to work at two local animal shelters because I want to help animals. I thought about a nutritionist-type job, fueled by my own recent weight loss (down almost 11 pounds in the last month or so, and considering mild depression supresses my appetite it may just start melting off me) but I know that requires some medical certifications that I don't think I could handle. The idea of being a wedding planner or special events planner has always appealed to me, but jobs in that field seem scarce (and as silly as it sounds I've never felt "girly" enough to be a wedding planner). In a perfect world I'd be able to open my coffee shop right now, as opposed to waiting till I am older, but there is no start-up money available. All I know is that I need to help, I need to bring joy to people, I need to do something that I feel is worthwhile. I refuse to have a job I hate, I refuse to do something for 40 hours a week that makes me miserable or doesn't fulfill this need.

So, needless to say, sacrifices will be made until I figure out my life. We will probably cut our DVR and home phone line (yeah, the one we just got about a month ago), we'll cut dates out altogether (Matt and I will just need to have homebound date nights with Netflix), and I'm sure groceries will also diminish in quality (fresh fruits and veggies will be swapped for Ramen and Mac & Cheese). There has been discussion of selling the VW Beetle as well (which will depend on what happens with me and my future job or return to school) and Matt's planning to take the light rail to work to save on gas and car expenses. The hardest part for us at the moment is that we recently added a second dog to our family, a 4 month old wirehaired dachshund that we've named Ozzie. I have to take care of him, it's our responsibility, and I don't want his young life to be spoiled because we can no longer afford to take care of him. I'll eat Ramen every night to make sure he and Mirabelle have what they need.

Now I must take some time to soul-search and answer the question Miss Grove asked me nearly twenty years ago: "What do you want to be?" I just hope I can figure that out.