November Gratitude Challenge

I see this stuff on Facebook all the time.  Typically I just gloss over it, but this year I felt the need to participate.

Long story short, the last few months have been really tough on me personally.  No, this isn’t a postpartum thing.  It’s not even a depression thing.  It’s just been tough for a variety of reasons.  First of all, I’ve still been exceptionally unhappy with my job.  It’s been a big combination of frustration with the work, the clients, and the co-workers.  I was really unhappy to find out that a new account person was hired at a higher salary than I make.  I’ve also been really unhappy with the way work has been since I returned from leave.  I believe that my needs as a mother - to pump during the day and to have a more flexible schedule - have been seen as a major problem by my boss and some of my co-workers.  Just a couple weeks after returning in May I had my work ethic questioned, which just put a sour taste in my mouth for my work here.  All these things being the tip of the iceberg, there’s a lot more to it, but I just feel as though my time here is done and I need to move on.  Unfortunately it hasn’t been that simple.  I’ve been actively looking for, and applying for, a new job since before my leave was over.  There just isn’t much out there, and I don’t have anything on my resume (yet) to really boast my value and worth to a potential employer.

The adjustment to being a mom has been really hard, too.  I feel as though I spend 95% of my day worrying about Jamie and trying to make things go smoothly.  On the weekends I spend my time trying to maintain the house, cook, clean, and take care of Jamie.  In the mornings I get about 30 minutes to spend, just with myself, and after work it’s all about getting Jamie fed, getting dinner on the table for myself and my hubby, and then getting Jamie to bed.  By the time he’s down I’ve got maybe an hour and a half to unwind, which never feels like enough time.  Add the stress of Jamie being really pissy lately and having more bad days than good ones, and it gets even harder.

I just don’t feel like myself right now.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t had the time to recharge, or because things have just been so stressful.  I worry all day long - about Jamie, about our financial situation, about work - and I know it’s not healthy for me to feel this way.  I’ve been trying so hard to get out of this funk, but nothing seems to work.  I just don’t have the energy to feel better, which makes me even more sad, which makes it harder to have a positive outlook, and it just spirals from there.  Again, this isn’t a big, overarching problem.  It’s just stress, and worry, and more stress.

I’ve really been struggling with jealousy a lot lately as well, which is the main reason I want to do this Gratitude Challenge.  It started mostly with the financial situation, and being jealous of the people around me who have more than I do.  That expanded to people I know who have a better “life situation,” for example, my couple of friends who are teachers and get to spend all summer with their children.  And so I really felt the need to re-focus and try to find something each day to be thankful for.

So, instead of posting something new every day, I’m going to keep a running update on this post.  And at the end of the month I’ll have a beautiful little list to keep myself positive moving forward.

November 1: My Husband
Today was an incredibly rough day for me.  Bless my husband for dealing with me today, and for trying to keep everything in perspective for me.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.

November 2: My Health
I am so thankful for my health.  I’ve always been a relatively healthy person, but when I made the decision to drop a lot of weight a few years back I really felt my life change.  I am especially thankful for my yoga practice and how it has kept me feeling healthy, happy (happier, at least), and strong.

November 3: My Job (sometimes)
As much as I can hate it sometimes, I have to be thankful for my job.  First of all, I HAVE a job, which is already better than some people.  Plus I currently have the flexibility I need to pump during the day and to manage drop-off and pick-up at daycare.  Most people in my position in my industry don’t have that flexibility.  And once I finish up a few big projects this year I’ll have some major points on my resume, which will hopefully help me move onto my next job.

November 4: Daylight Savings
The last two weeks or so Jamie's been sleeping in until at least 7:30 every morning... great, right?  No, not great, considering I'm supposed to drop him off at daycare around 7:20.  So, with Daylight Savings around the corner we devised a plan: we didn't adjust Jamie's sleep schedule but we adjusted his nursing/feeding schedule.  Now he has 4 "meals" a day, goes to bed an hour earlier, and wakes up an hour earlier.  Perfection.

November 5: My Parents
I have a feeling my parents will have multiple entries this month.  I chatted with my mom for awhile tonight on my way home from work, and every time I do I'm reminded about how awesome my parents are.  I miss them every day and wish I saw them more often.

November 6:  Kind Strangers
After work today I had a few errands to run, so I picked up Jamie and headed out.  At each place I talked to complete strangers, who were all exceptionally nice.  At Men's Warehouse, when I had to return a few things from a work presentation, the sales gal chatted with me about how awfully heavy car seats are and make googly faces at Jamie.  Then we went to Sprouts, where the kind Indian family in front of me in line complimented me on my adorable baby, and a very nice middle-aged woman talked to Jamie and entertained him while I unloaded my groceries.  Finally, I ran to Papa Murphy's to get us some dinner.  The cashier smiled and flirted with Jamie, and another lady talked to me about how 9 months was "her favorite age" with her kids.  Then, a nice young man opened and held the door for me as I tried to leave with Jamie in his car seat on one arm and two pizzas in the other.  The whole evening went completely against mine and Matt's "people are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling" mentality, and I kinda loved it.

November 7: Connections
I've only been working in marketing for a few years, and I've only had one job.  As I mentioned, I'm ready to move on, and have been for awhile.  However, since I went back to grad school and started at my job I've met a lot of great people.  Many of them have opened themselves up to me as professional connections and while none of them have led to anything yet, there very well may be a time (potentially in the near future) when something comes to be.  Watch this space.

November 8: Saturdays
This one is pretty self-explanatory.  Saturdays mean coffee date with Matt & Jamie, and sometimes some errands, but mostly spending time with my boys and not worrying about much else.

November 9: Unseasonable Warmth
One last day of fall, highs in the 70s and the opportunity to get some last-minute yard work done... not exactly the most exciting way to spend the day but happy the weather cooperated so we could take care of it.

November 10: Cold-Weather Training
Growing up in Minnesota and spending my college days in Missouri allowed me to learn how to drive very effectively in the snow and ice... something that came in handy today when the temperature dropped 45 degrees over the course of a few hours and everything froze.  I am, however, sad I no longer have an AWD car...

November 11: My Daycare Lady
We've had some differences in the past, but I still love my daycare lady.  She really does try to do whatever she can to help us out.  Today, the roads were SO bad that it took me forever to get over to her - and she's only about a mile away - so she met me on the road to hand-off Jamie so I could get to work and she could get her kids to school.  She also has been so understanding with the weather delaying our pick-up times after work.

November 12: HEAT
Dear god, the heat.  It's been Minnesota cold here the last few days, and I have been so happy to come home to a warm home.  Along those lines, I'm also thankful for my house.  Driving through downtown and seeing homeless people always makes me feel awful, especially on these cold nights.

November 13: My Son
After reading this story I can't even describe how thankful I am for my son and for his safe, albeit fast, birth.  I love him so much and I'm so thankful things went the way they did and that he's here in our lives.

November 14: WEEKENDS!
There are some weeks that feel like they'll never end.  This week was one of them.  I feel like I have such precious little time with Jamie that the weekends are just so welcome once they come around.

November 15: Mommy Friends
Today I got to spend some Mommy Only time with a good Mommy Friend, chatting over coffee and scones about all things mama.  It was such a great time to sit and talk about everything from breastfeeding to poop to husbands to work to, well, just about everything!!

November 16: My Husband (again)
Today wasn't a BAD day, it was an ANNOYING day.  We started the day at the coffee shop, as we often do, then needed to run a couple errands.  When we got to Target we opened the trunk and Jamie's stroller was not there.  So I spent the next hour wracking my brain, trying to figure out where it was.  We tried to run the other errands we needed to run, but we were only able to go to the grocery store - we tried to get gas, but apparently there had been a power surge and had shut down the entire operation.  Across the street we tried to get Matt's passport photo at Walgreens, which had also been hit by the surge and wasn't able to do anything for us.  I was so frustrated and annoyed and Matt somehow kept me from completely losing my mind.

November 17: Sick Days & Warm Baths
I got whatever random bug Matt had last week.  My throat's tight and sore, I'm achy and exhausted.  I've felt so bad all day and decided to leave work early, run just a couple errands, then head home and snuggle with Jamie.  After he went to bed I soaked in a scalding hot bath and it was heavenly.

November 18: Coffee
Although I'm thankful for coffee every day, today it was needed even more so after the awful day I had yesterday.  I'm still not feeling 100% though, clearly my brain isn't functioning quite yet.  I had a mug of coffee and a mug of berries on my desk (we were out of clean bowls at work), and I went to grab some berries but stuck my hand in my coffee... thankfully we have plenty of it at work.

November 19: Mamahood

A friend of mine through work had her baby this morning!  A little girl, another little peanut just like Jamie.  My boss suggested getting her a little gift, so I ran up to Mamahood and got her a little gift certificate.  Being there always brings back all the memories from when I was on leave, and reminds me how lucky I am to be a part of their community.

November 20: Great TV
TV has always been a big thing for me.  I'm a little ashamed sometimes to admit this, but I love just relaxing in the evening with a good show and being able to escape for awhile.

November 21: Beer, and My Mom
It was exceptionally difficult to find anything to be thankful for today.  It was a crappy day at work and the only thing that helped was talking to my mom afterward and drinking a beer when I got home.

November 22: A Sleeping Baby
I love my son to pieces.  He's one of the most amazing things in my life and he means so much to me.  But this kid does NOT nap.  He sleeps at night, thank goodness.  He sleeps from about 8 pm to 6:30 am every night (last night he woke up in the middle of the night, for the first time in months, which was really weird).  But my god this kid... he just won't take a nap to save his life.  This morning I put him down at about 9:15 for his morning nap and he cried, and fussed, and cried, and screamed, and cried... then he started crawling around in his crib, standing up... finally I just decided to pull him out and we went for coffee.  He FINALLY slept for maybe 45 minutes, falling asleep in the car on the way home.  Then it was the same story this afternoon... he fussed and cried for over an hour before finally crashing for a short while.  We made sure to put him down a little earlier tonight, and now he's down for the night.  Why, oh why, won't this kid nap??  I don't understand.

Bring It

The last two years have been awful.  Terrible.  Some of the worst years of my life. There were many days where I wondered if it was worth it.  I had to go back to school.  I had to go back to work in retail.   I had to figure out a way to live on half the income.  I had to put off all the hopes and dreams I'd had for those two years.  I had to let go of all the things I wanted.  There were many tearful nights, many angry days, and a lot of self-doubt.  But somehow we made it to this point.  I've earned a Masters degree, something I never planned to do.  On top of that, I got two specialties in a year and a half.  I got to go to London, and I had an amazing adventure there.  But most importantly, I've met some of the best people, and I'm so happy to have made all these amazing friends.  All the BBW kids, all my grad school friends, I am so thankful for each of you.  I'm thankful for my life-long friends, and all the love and support you've given me.  I'm thankful for my husband for putting up with me for the last two years, and for making me laugh, and for keeping me from losing it, for supporting me and pushing me to keep going.  Today, I'll walk across a stage in a robe to symbolize the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next.  Bring it, 2013.  I'm ready for you.  

Closing the Chapter

THANK GOD, the semester is finally coming to a close.  As I mentioned last time, this semester has been overly challenging due to the lack of time for, you know, EVERYTHING.  But tonight's my last final of the semester, and I'm hoping for another A- average as I've had every semester since starting just over a year ago.

It's weird thinking back to the drama that accompanied a re-entry into academics.  I remember the months - MONTHS - of soul-searching, trying to decide what to study, where to go, what to do... and even when I entered the classroom in January last year I was still unsure of my choice.  Hell, I'm still unsure!  But I remember settling back into academics relatively easily.  It wasn't until I started overloading my plate with internships and part-time jobs that the going got harder.  But even so, looking at everything I've accomplished, I can't help but be proud.  Somehow I was able to pull it together and, contrary to what I intended, will be graduating in December this year, rather than May next year as I'd originally thought.

Up until a few weeks ago I had completely dismissed the idea of walking at graduation in December.  First, my parents weren't able to come, and we'd compensated with a family Christmas planned for the following week in MN.  Second, remembering my undergraduate commencement and how anti-climactic it was, I just wasn't too interested in wasting several hours of my time, spending the money on a robe and hat, and listening to people droll on and on about post-graduate life.  However, I got to thinking about it the other day, and my thoughts on it have changed.

It's been a shit year... no, it's been a shit almost-two-years.  We've been through a lot, we've struggled, we've cried, we've stressed... and by God I should celebrate.  I guess I just woke up one day and realized that, if I don't walk at graduation, I'm simply taking my piece of paper as if nothing special has happened.  But no, we've been through a lot.  And in a way graduation will provide closure to the last two shit years.  It will hopefully end a chapter of our lives that has been incredibly negative and depressing, and will hopefully begin a new chapter.  That new chapter holds many new opportunities and experiences: the "Grow Up" chapter, the part of the story where life gets better, where we are able to support ourselves, where we can buy a house, start a family, have good-paying jobs we actually enjoy.  And I have to acknowledge that change.  If I don't, then what has this time been worth?  This is the moment we've been waiting for: waiting for my real life to begin.

I know, it all seems very over-dramatic. And maybe it is. But there's symbolism here, there's meaning, and it can't be treated as just another moment.  It's got to be a big deal, or else the last two years have meant nothing, and the future will mean nothing also.

So there's that.  December 15, 2012, Colorado Convention Center, I'll walk across that stage and take my Masters in Marketing degree, and I'll close on this chapter of my life and venture into the future with a renewed sense of being. 

Hell, maybe we'll even start a new book.

So, where were we?

Yes, it really is me, signing on again to give a much needed update into the trials and tribulations of life in Colorado.

Things have been, surprisingly, improving over the last 9 months or so.  I've been busy.  No, busy doesn't even begin to describe my life.  Try "insane," or "manic," or "overwhelming."  But they have been getting progressively better, and all things are finally starting to fall into place.  Now we just need to cross our fingers and hope there are no more potholes on this road.

Last time you tuned in I was buried deep into many different commitments.  Last semester I had just started at my (crappy) retail job as a supervisor, boasting a better wage and more consistent hours.  I had also started interning at the Denver Art Museum, which was fantastic.  I made some great connections and learned a lot, which is exactly what you're supposed to do during an internship, so all in all it was very successful. The semester kicked my ass, though.  I was working every day, either at the Art Museum or at the retail job, meaning there were no days off except for the random few I'd request off for special occasions.  Between those two commitments there was also classes: two nights a week with homework, papers, tests, and projects to tackle.  The semester flew by, and I felt as though I didn't sleep at all in those few months.  But I upheld my solid A- average somehow and when the semester was finally over I was finally able to exhale.

Unfortunately, winter break from school wasn't enough to offset the crazy schedule I'd made for myself.  As soon as classes were over I went from working 25 hours a week in retail to nearly 40, as the holiday season was upon us.  And, because I'm kind of a sucker and hate to leave people hanging, I volunteered to stay on at the Art Museum a couple times a week through the break.  Once again, I plowed through without many days off, counting on the post-Christmas slow-down to give me some time off.  Of course, life isn't that kind, and due to someone quitting at the retail job I was kept at near full-time status right up until the beginning of the spring semester.

I wish I could remember all the fun things that happened during the fall, but they are all jumbled in my brain.  I do remember the Jimmy Buffett concert I attended with Angela: I'd somehow been lucky enough to win tickets through a social media contest.  I was heartbroken, but totally understanding, that my dad wasn't able to fly out on such short notice (I found out I'd won less than 24 hours before the show).  But the show was great, and I still can't believe I actually won something!!  I've always had the worst luck.  I also barely saw my husband, which was really difficult.  We tried to make time for each other, and found ourselves squeezing in a dinner date every once in a while, but it was so hard to get through without him.  I remember taking a quick evening trip to New Belgium in Fort Collins to meet up with a friend and her husband who I haven't seen since college.  But beyond that all I remember is work, intern, class...

When the spring semester was on the horizon I was getting anxious.  I was planning to do what I'd done in previous semesters, and take my "class days" off from work, and one other "floating" day off.  This meant that I'd have a day off, with no other engagements, and two days off for homework and class.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel!  Soon I'd be able to rest, relax, get some work done, and would be able to breathe again.  But, as it usually is with me, something else landed in my lap.

(Sidebar: I never mean for these rants to sound upsetting - all the opportunities that have come my way this year have been amazing for me and for my future - please know that all this ranting is really positive!)

In November I'd interviewed for a part-time job working for the Business School as a marketing coordinator.  I was planning to take it to replace the retail job, as it'd last through mid-May.  It'd mean weekends and evenings off.  The pay wasn't great, but I was willing to take the hit to get out of the retail job.  Unfortunately, I didn't get the job, so I just went along as I'd been doing before.  However, just as I'd started the new semester, I got an email from the Marketing Director at the school.  The other student they'd hired had quit to take a full-time job elsewhere, and since they still had a contract for a graduate assistant through May and I'd been the second choice she asked if I'd like to come on board.

It was a little debacle.  It was the spring semester, and my internship at DAM was over, and I was seriously looking forward to having my days off.  However, it'd be the first marketing job I'd add to my résumé.  And while it was part-time and it wouldn't allow me to quit the retail job, it was too good an opportunity to pass up.  So, once again, I went into a crazy schedule.  No days off - ever.  I worked Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday at the Business School; I worked Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at the retail job.  I had class two nights a week, and the associated homework to go with those classes.  It was pretty much the same as it was in the fall... and I was exhausted every day.  No time for my husband, no time for friends, hardly enough time for homework, no time for yoga... I really didn't have time for anything, and our apartment got disgusting, and all I wanted was to curl up on my couch in my PJs for an entire day.  Unfortunately I drank... a lot... I mean, not "get wasted and pass out every night" but that one beer at the end of the day to unwind.

But the job really turned out to be a good opportunity.  My boss owns her own marketing consulting business and pretty much everyone in town - between her and my boss at the Art Museum I had a connection to almost anywhere I wanted to work.  I have been learning a lot, too, and have been perfecting my copywriting and PR skills.  And it turned into an even bigger opportunity.  A couple weeks ago my boss at the Business School sent me a posting for a paid summer internship with a local marketing agency.  Within a few days I'd applied, interviewed, and been offered the position.  The internship paid about the same hourly wage as the retail job and would last at least through August (though more likely through the end of the school year/my graduation) but would be a full-time, M-F job. Regular hours, WHAT?!  Weekends off, WHAT?!?!  I had to hop on the opportunity, and accepted the job.  I started last Friday, and my last day in retail is next Saturday.

So, at least for now, it appears that my job situation has greatly improved.  The new job/internship may prove to be the biggest opportunity of them all, as it is currently a two-person show and has the potential to turn into a full-time "real job" if I work hard enough.  It's all a little scary, but exciting too, and we'll just have to wait and see what happens now.

But wait, there's more!  I also found out that I was accepted to the study abroad program for May this year, so for three weeks I'll be studying in London.  I'm so excited I can hardly stand it, but I'm a little nervous too.  I've only been abroad once, and never on my own, so it'll be interesting.  The course fulfills my Sports and Entertainment Management requirement, so we are going to several sporting arenas, seeing The King's Speech and meeting the producer of the show, and seeing a few sporting events.  In addition, because of my job at the Business School, I'll be keeping a travel blog... AND getting paid for it!  So watch out, I'll be doubly posting to this blog so all three of you can read about my adventures :)

And... there's still more, but not anything super important... at least not anything that sticks out in my head.  But I swear, more blogging will happen this summer... promise!  Between the trip to London and the new job I'm hoping to have some exciting stuff to talk about... and hopefully not all of it will be as depressing as it's been in the last 17 months.

THERE!  Consider yourselves updated!

One Year

One year ago today I was laid off. In the last 52 weeks I feel like life, though incredibly difficult and upsetting and trying and stressful, has really been a good thing... in retrospect, of course.

I was able to start grad school, and while I was never entirely excited about the idea at first I've come to really enjoy it. I think I picked the right program and I am anxious to see what more I learn and where I eventually end up. I still have 4 semesters left, but I am optimistic about them and where I go from here.

I've learned that Matt and I can survive pretty much anything. I never doubted the strength of our relationship, but it is nice knowing so early into our marriage that we can overcome tough obstacles and hold tight to one another in difficult time. And even though we've had a fair share of tough, stressful, cry-your-eyes-out moments we've somehow made it though. We've opened up to the idea of moving again, going somewhere new and exciting (ideas: Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, and a few cities in New England) and we know we will be okay no matter what.

Along those same lines I've learned that Matt and I can rely on one another even if we can't rely on anyone else. And we know we can make it as long as we have each other.

I've definitely had to eat some humble pie, going back to retail after having a dream job, but even that has turned out fine. I'm going to be a permanent lead, meaning a little pay raise (making what I did at Caribou in 2008, yay!) and more responsibilities, along with more, steadier hours. And while it's not my life's ambition to sell lotions and candles I do enjoy it, and I like my co-workers, and a retail job could certainly be much worse.

I lost almost 30 pounds in a little less than a year, and despite my back problems I am determined to start a yoga regimen, hoping to go at least twice a week (three times when I am able to!) and hope to achieve the "body shape" goal now that the "body weight" goal has been reached.

So despite all the trials and the insanity of the last year... while I can't say it was a good thing that I was laid off, I will say that I now know the strength that we possess. And even though it is often cloudy and uncertain, "on a clear day I can see a very long way."

One Month Later

Yes, it's been almost a month since my last admittedly pessimistic and depressing post, and I'm happy to report that things are starting to feel a bit better. Not much has changed since last month, but the spring semester is coming to a close and stress levels are decreasing exponentially. I'm down to the final two weeks, and final tasks. Tonight was a presentation for my management class (which went incredibly well and hopefully a commercial Matt and I made will help us earn an A on it) so all that remains there is turning in a paper - my section is mostly done, needing only a few tweaks to complete. For my online class I have a final, which terrifies me, but the actual workload is almost over there as well. It's nice knowing that in another week all I'll need to focus on is the final for my online class: then it's three weeks off till summer classes.

I feel very good about my classes and think I'll get A's in both. I found all the information to be interesting and I feel more comfortable in my choice to pursue marketing. I'm currently leaning toward a public relations focus, and am taking a PR class over the summer. I've also contacted a new Fine Arts Center in Lone Tree, about 10 miles from here, regarding a potential internship a year from now. Unfortunately, until then, it's a retail life for me. I am still at BBW and actually enjoy it for the most part, but it's still retail and tiring and the pay is so much lower than I like. But the people I work with are friendly and it is kind of nice to go to work for a few hours and go home without a second thought. The stressful part is living off the student loans. Knowing that I'm taking out way more than I want to and that it'll all need to be repaid makes me nervous and raises the stakes on the return to school.

In other news Matt is away this week in California for work. He was very excited to go, but it has been a bit strange that he's away and I'm at home alone. Normally he's the one staying home while I go to MN or when I used to go away to conventions for work. I can't even remember the last time we were apart for so long. It's been really weird being home alone all day, but I have to admit it made schoolwork a lot easier! Not that Matt's a distraction, but when he's home it's much more enjoyable to sit and watch TV with him than to sit and read textbooks. I'm also taking advantage of the alone time to deep clean the house. We haven't done a lot more than basic light cleaning since we moved in, so it's long overdue to do the vacuuming and bathroom cleaning and so on. I'm also going to try for a movie date with a girlfriend, hoping the timing all works out.

I've also started a summer project, which is going very well. I'm taking all my random recipes in recipe boxes, printed from the internet, scrawled on notebook paper, and favorites from the 15+ cookbooks I own and am compiling them into a personalized cookbook. Then I'll be able to take those cookbooks to the used bookstore or to Goodwill and clear out some space in my cabinet. The long-term goal is to also incorporate all my great-grandma's recipes I received when she died almost 5 years ago, but hers are so numerous that it may take a long time to transcribe those. A lot of hers also have "old-fashioned" ingredients like lard, which I find so amusing. For some reason it creates this mental image of my sweet little grandmother carrying a 10 lb can of "LARD" into her kitchen and scooping it into a mixing bowl. But I suppose over a year or so I could go through hers and see what all is there, and if I can get them transcribed I can pass them along to other members of my family. In fact, I'll start a tag for it: grandma's recipes, just in case anyone is curious as I start completing them.

Along those lines I'm about 5 lbs from my goal weight, and god, those 5 lbs are being resilient. I've been slacking a bit lately though, too, so I guess I'm equally to blame. I want to be done dieting - the measuring and the food tracking and all that, mainly because I feel I know how much I can eat. I've developed an actual love of vegetables. I've found that, when cooked properly, nose-turning veggies like beets and asparagus are so yummy. I really feel like I've made a lifestyle change more than an eating change. I've tried adhering to the half-quarter-quarter rule on an everyday basis (half-plate veggies, quarter starch and quarter protein) and I allow myself a splurge once in a while to satisfy cravings. I've really started enjoying cooking; I'd LOVE to take a cooking class - my friend Megan took one that was just "basics of cooking" like how to make sauces, how to tell when your steaks are cooked, etc. and I was totally jealous.

I'm pretty confident I won't get too lazy once I hit 115. It's still hard to look in the mirror and recognize the changes. I mean, in total I will have lost about 30 lbs but my shape still isn't what I want it to be. In order to get the shape I need to get more exercise, so I may need to borrow Angela's fitness center at her apartment complex so I can get in shape. I'm a bit worried about being really weak now more so than being at a goal weight. Between being in physical therapy for my back (which seems to be doing better, though I have my days and moments that are still really bad) and my legs feeling like they're going to give out under me when I go down flights of stairs... it's a little freaky actually. In a perfect world I'd love to get into yoga, which was my original plan months ago, but when the yoga studio charges almost $100/month for their classes it's just not feasible. At any rate I've got to do something to build my muscles now that the number on the scale is where I want it to be.

I've been feeling a little melodramatic about my upcoming birthday. I'm turning 27 in less than a month and can't help but be a little depressed looking at it. I feel like there is so much more I wanted to have accomplished by now that I just feel like a failure. But at the same time I'm much more optimistic, having planned my classes and realizing I should be done with my degree in 2 years. I just wish I could rewind time and start this journey four years ago.

I'm also a little nervous about my birthday because I'd like to have a party, and based on my previous birthday festivities I'm just worried a party this year will be an epic failure as in the past. But I'm thinking this year of having one of those "I'll be at this place at this time on this date, come join if you want" instead of an actual "here's an invitation to my birthday celebration." I guess we'll see what happens. I'm thinking dueling piano bar!

Oh, I didn't even mention. Forgetting it'd been a month since my last post I never mentioned that Matt and I were rear-ended at the end of March. We were both fine (Matt had a sprained neck and wrist, I was riding shotgun so I didn't see it coming) and we got our bumpers replaced thanks to the other guy's insurance. Our Subaru now looks and runs almost like new, and my hope is that we won't need to pay for any other issues with the car. In less than a year we've had to pour about $2500 into that car and it better be done now for awhile.

I've also been secretly hoping and dreaming about my Dream House... I've been entering every day and will let you all know if we win it. I always like to believe something amazing will happen to us someday and I'd be totally okay with it being this house. Sigh... it's just exactly what I want. It's eco-friendly and is designed EXACTLY to my taste, minus the hot pink girl's room. Fingers and toes crossed, people!

I've been reading Michael J. Fox's book Always Looking Up it's pretty much a great book. I've got to credit it to my better mood as of late. He's incredibly inspiring and I highly recommend the book to everyone.

But I suppose that's all for now... seeing as I'm just rambling on about nothing. I promise to try posting again soon and not waiting a whole month again...

Ups and Downs

Despite my optimism regarding 2011 the last few days have really taken a huge toll on us, and have us wondering if 2011 will just be a sad, depressing repeat of 2010. However, some good has come through still, so there is still a bit of hope somewhere out there.

The same day of my last post Matt sent word from home that (TMI alert) Ozzie's poo was less than solid and that I should monitor it as the day progressed. By the time Matt got home that night Ozzie had had 3 major, disgusting accidents in our apartment. I called our vet, asking for any home remedies they could suggest to help settle his tummy, and of course their immediate response was to bring him in to the vet. Knowing that we rarely leave the vet spending less than $100 (which we unfortunately don't have at this time) I decided to try to wait till the next day to see if he got better. We tried plain white rice, a "bland diet" home remedy. Note: Ozzie apparently doesn't like plain white rice. So I put him in his crate, hoping he'd be okay for a few hours, and went to work.

Unfortunately and as per usual he did not feel any better as time went on. He woke us several times overnight, whining incessantly and quite forcefully, and we got up and took him outside to find more of the same problems. Additionally he woke us up at one point overnight (TMI alert, again) vomiting. So, we decided to take him to the vet.

So we started out the New Year sitting in a vet's office, spending nearly $100 to find that Ozzie had a case of colitis, an inflammation of the colon caused by a bacterial infection. We were ordered to give him some medicine and put him on a bland diet food for a week or so, and he received a dose of subcutaneous fluids in his shoulders for dehydration. We had been through this before with Mirabelle back in 2008 (she was much worse off though, needing much more fluids and a stay at the vet's overnight for monitoring) but Ozzie's case seemed to be quite a bit less severe, thank goodness. We took him home and drugged him up, then proceeded with our New Year's plans.

We spent the afternoon cleaning our apartment (which desperately needed it) and ran to the grocery store for snack food for our Winter Classic party. The party turned out to be quite a success, as many of our friends braved the single-digit temperatures and ventured to our apartment. It was so nice to see everyone again, and I can't wait to have another get-together... hopefully sooner rather than later. I'm sure we'll talk about a Stanley Cup party!

The following day we were happy to see that Ozzie was feeling better... things were more solid, at least! But, just like with kids, Mirabelle started exhibiting the same symptoms Ozzie had been suffering. Hoping to avoid another $100 vet bill I called, hoping they'd simply double the prescriptions for Ozzie... but no, of course, they wanted us to bring Mirabelle in as well. Not having another $100 to give them, we started Mirabelle on the bland diet and have been splitting Ozzie's prescription with her... which thankfully seems to be helping. It means Ozzie will be out well before the 10 days they'd planned for him, but I can just hope that the infection will be gone by the time they run out of meds. Mirabelle is doing better now, too, so we'll just have to wait and see.

The biggest, hardest hit came Monday, regarding the Subaru (again, as per usual). As previously mentioned, it started running hot, indicating it was time to reseal the gaskets. Our mechanic told us earlier that day that they wouldn't be able to take it till Friday, so Matt planned to drive it only to and from the train station (about a mile each way) till then. However, upon driving it home that night, the temperature gauge shot up into the red very quickly. No heat was coming from the vents, and it was running very hard. We decided to park it at the condo until Friday, and will probably have it towed to our mechanic's instead of driving it five miles. It's frustrating because it's just another big expense to deal with, even though we knew it was coming.

It's just become another round of "What next? How is life going to screw us this time?" and it's getting really old really fast. We're trying to hang on till my excess money from school hits but are just panicked we'll be in the hole we were in a few months ago. We just want things to improve sooner rather than later because we're tired of hitting a brick wall every time we turn around. As Matt described the other day, it'd be nice to walk into a bookstore or Target or somewhere else and see something we want, like a book or a DVD, and be able to purchase it without wondering "Huh, will this $20 purchase keep me from eating later this week?"

At the same time it's scary to put so much faith in grad school and the loan money coming in. I knew taking out the loans that it'd be more to pay back later, but I also knew that Matt and I couldn't continue on being flat ass broke and only buying groceries once every six weeks. I took more out in loans this first semester than I probably should have, but it did mean that, for the first time in nearly 5 years, Matt and I would have a cushion in case something went wrong. It's also so scary thinking that, by getting this Masters that I will suddenly be super successful and get a $60K/year career after I graduate. What if I don't, and we have so much more debt after I graduate that we're just back in this hole we're in now? It's a lot of pressure on me to be successful before I've even begun this academic journey, and I'm absolutely terrified.

Another major downer has come in the form of the condo Matt and I visited just before Christmas. We were so excited after seeing the unit, especially considering it was a quick 6-minute bus ride to the light rail station. Sure, there were some issues with it like the very small and outdated kitchen, but we knew that the location was going to make up for any issues it may have had. Additionally, it was the only place within our price range that was close enough to a light rail station. All other places in our price range were at least a 15-20 minute bus ride to a station, then another 35-40 minutes on the rail to get downtown for class. Anyway, I spoke with the landlord and he told me that he wanted to rent it out within the next few weeks and had someone set up to look at it, and that if this other guy could move in right away that he'd "have to rent it out" to him. It's so frustrating because the whole reason we'd specified moving the first week of February was so we could give our current landlord 30 days notice, because we were trying to be good, responsible tenants, and this new landlord essentially punished us for it. I haven't heard anything from him in about a week, so I'm assuming I won't hear from him and we'll have to start looking again.

It just seems like everything in life right now is too good to be true, and that every time something good happens something equally bad happens. We were so positive about the condo, then it all fell through. We were doing well financially during the holidays and now I'm working just a couple days a week and will be hit hard again with a mechanic's and vet's bills. It's so frustrating and we have a hard time relaxing because any time anything relatively good happens we feel like we have to brace for the next hit, the next problem, the next blow.

For now we just sit and wait, and hope that too much doesn't fall on us. And we hope that each Up doesn't lead to another Down. And I just hope that, after spending another $15-$20 thousand on a master's degree that we will finally have some stability and good luck in our lives.

STFU, 2010!! 2011 FTW!!

I suppose it's time for the obligatory Merry Christmas/Happy New Year post. The last couple weeks have been incredibly hectic: I worked a crapload, between 40 and 50 hours... which I realize isn't a lot but it certainly feels like a lot when you're getting up at 4:15 a.m. and going to work, then going home, then going back to work till 10:00 p.m. My hours are being cut next week at both jobs, down to about 30 total, which will be good (since I have needed more rest like crazy) and bad (since fewer hours means less money). Luckily the financial situation should work out that we'll get my excess money from UC Denver about the time I get smaller paychecks.

Despite working practically all day every day we did have some relaxation on Christmas, when we went down to Angela's. Matt and I decided to open presents from my parents on Christmas Eve, since we were going to Angela's relatively early the next morning, and I gotta say my parents always know what to get me. I can't help but feel like a giant nerd, considering I got a sewing kit, a cutting board, a veggie brush, and ice cube trays... but I don't really care, I was totally excited! I love little kitchen gadgets and things that make life easier for me... I have enough trouble in the kitchen, I need all the help I can get! OH! And we finally got our Bissell Little Green, which we've been asking for since our wedding over two years ago... yes, I know, I'm a nerd. Matt got the final piece to his Blue Microphone, so as soon as we get our new computer (hopefully when we get our refund from taxes) he'll be able to make his demo and start doing some voice work.

But Christmas Day at Angela's was really relaxing. We had a somewhat unconventional meal of steaks, which I was excited about. Angela, as usual, made a TON of sweets and snacks so by the end of the night I was so stuffed I could hardly move. We watched classic Christmas movies, including National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, which I'd never seen before (Matt and Angela were a bit disturbed by this fact). But overall it was a nice and relaxing day.

We were also really excited on Christmas Eve, as we went to visit the 2-bed condo we want to rent. The unit was mildly out of date, as the cabinets were straight up '80s style, but the layout and size of the unit was amazing. It's a 3rd floor unit, so the ceilings are high and vaulted, and the unit is all tile floors except the bedrooms. The one bedroom is a perfect size for an office, and the other bedroom is about the same size we have now. We'd have two bathrooms, which we didn't really think we'd need but figure it'll be very good if I continue to work 5:00 a.m. shifts. The only downside is that the kitchen is actually smaller and less convenient than the one we have now... but if the landlord does as he plans to and replaces all the kitchen appliances it'll be pretty much perfect. I've got to call him this afternoon and see if we are good to go, and even though it's $50/month more than I wanted to spend I think it'll be worth it to sell my car, use public transit, and have a washer/dryer in our unit. I'm not looking forward to moving again, but I hope it's all worth it in the end.

We are taking another hit financially, but at least it was expected. The Subie started running hot two days ago, meaning it is time for the seals to be redone. We are going to take it in next week; thankfully Matt's family gave us quite a bit of money for Christmas so it won't be such a hard hit. I was hoping I'd have my excess check before it needed to be done, but I suppose I can just pay ourselves back later in January. Hopefully this will be the last thing we need to do to the Subie for awhile... at least until we get the Beetle sold and have that $250/month extra to start putting away.

Denver got its first "blizzard" of the season... a whopping 2-3 inches so far, potentially another 2"-3" before it's over tonight. The thing that sucks about living in Denver is that CDOT doesn't do ANYTHING when it snows like this. The roads, even the major highways, haven't been plowed since yesterday at about noon when the snow started. You can't see the lanes on any of the side streets and the only "lanes" on the highways are the ones formed from people driving behind each other. CDOT seems to think that throwing sand/salt on the roads is enough, but they don't seem to realize that it just turns the snow to slippery sludge. I drove home from work this morning going about 40 mph on the highway (which was probably too fast) and 15-20 mph on the side roads. I just wish CDOT would do its job and plow the roads... it's just not safe out there right now and I cannot even think about driving to work this afternoon... ugh.

But I suppose I need to stop blogging and start cleaning. Matt and I decided to have a few friends over for the Winter Classic tomorrow, so I'm trying to get our place cleaned up and organized. It really needed to be done, so I'm happy for the excuse to do it. I just have to clean the kitchen and bathroom and vacuum, so it hopefully won't take terribly long. We hope to have about 5 friends over, and it should be a pretty good time.

And as 2011 quickly creeps up behind us I can only hope it turns into a much better year than 2010... I'm relatively positive it will be.

Frustration to the Max

I'm completely losing my mind.

I keep waiting for things to get better for us and it seems that, every time something happens that makes me think we're heading in the right direction a couple other things happen to make me think otherwise. All I want right now is for things to go back to some semblance of normalcy. I don't want to feel this stressed or frustrated anymore. I'm totally sick of it.

Today is the first day in the last 2 months that I've been angry at my previous employer for putting me in this position. I was really understanding at first, knowing that it was hard on my bosses and that it was something they didn't want to do, but today I've just had it. I'm so angry I can hardly stand it, I just feel like the world is falling apart around me and I should just accept the fact that my life's just going to be a shitty one. I just need to stop dreaming about being comfortable someday and just get rid of all the things we have that make us happy and wipe out all accesses and luxuries we have. I'm ready to throw my arms up in the air and give up on everything.

I started out this awful day by crunching numbers and realizing there's no way in hell we'll be able to pay for all the expenses we have coming out in the next two weeks. I'll get my first paycheck on Friday, a whopping $135, and after running through it we were short about $250. In addition, I checked our cable bill and it'd gone up $20 in the last month (more on that later). I had to take Matt's savings, which just completely disgusted me, and I just don't even know what we'll do next if things don't get better. I went to the grocery store last night and spent $53, and I feel bad today for spending that because I could have paid a bill with that. We've been eating the foods my parents bought for us a month ago, consisting of oatmeal, granola bars, chips and pretzels, and relying on Angela's kindness on taking us out. It sucks.

I'm supposed to start at Old Navy sometime this week, and I can't help but feel that, if they could offer me 30 hours a week, that'd be awesome. I just need to make about $600 a month to make it by... that'd be 30 hours at Old Navy and the average 8-10 hours a week at Bath & Body Works. The other thing that sucks is that, when I go back to school, I'll need to take out a bunch of living loans... not for "extra" spending, not for buying a computer or paying off a credit card (which, I can't lie, would be awesome) but for actual LIVING... for paying bills and buying groceries while I'm only able to work part-time.

We still have no idea what's up with the Subaru, and it doesn't seem our mechanic does either. It's frustrating, but we aren't mad at them because they are doing everything they can. My biggest worry is that it will be a non-repairable issue and we'll be stuck with a car loan and no car. I wish this had happened three months ago so we could have taken advantage of the lemon law. My other worry is that the problem will be so expensive to fix that it will be impossible to do.

When I checked our Comcast bill this morning and saw that it'd gone up $20 in the last month for what seems to be no good reason I just about lost it. We've had absolutely nothing but trouble with Comcast since May. We've had to call them every month (sometimes four or five times in one month!) and they have been awful to deal with since then. So today I called Qwest and talked to a very nice young lady and, after about an hour, we decided to switch to their internet with Direct TV. We got rid of our phone line (we hardly ever use it, and the only calls we get on that line are debt collector calls for about three different people) and found that we'd be saving about $100/mo for the first six months and, even in a year when all the promo savings are over, we'd still be saving about $40/mo. I'm worried that we'll get screwed over again, but just because it seems like we always do. I just hope this works out well for us.

It seems that I end every post saying that "Well, things are going to get better, things can only go up!" but I can't say that today. I just feel like things are still spiraling out of control and can't help wondering if things are just going to keep getting worse over the next few months. I guess I'm having a really off day today. I just can't shake the pessimism or the anger or the frustration.

Why the hell can't things be easy for us? Why has our life been so fucking difficult? Who did we piss off along the way to deserve this? I believe in karma, and I feel like I've lived my life trying to uphold that. So I've got to wonder what I'm doing wrong to bring this into our home. All I wanted was to be married to Matt and be happy. I want to have our dogs and someday have kid(s), and maybe a nice house and a job I don't hate. I feel like that's not asking a lot. I'm not asking for fame or fortune. I feel like everything I want is reasonable. I just want to give up on all this... I am so sick of feeling this way. Are our lives ever going to be easy? Are we ever going to make it? Or are we going to lose everything and have to move away from here and wait to have kids till I'm 30? I've had to completely rewrite my life because of this one major event and all I want is for life to go back to normal. Hell, maybe I just go crawling back to Caribou, take the assistant manager job, and just deal with my life being something I'm not proud of or happy with. I've tried so hard to get a life we love, to make our life enjoyable and happy, and I just feel like I've failed miserably. And I just feel like it's so unfair that we have it so rough when we've tried so hard to be good people. I've completely lost my optimism and just don't know what to do anymore.

Take What You Can Get

Well, it looks like the Subaru will need a new fuel pump, at least to our best guess. We put the injector cleaner into the tank and attempted to get it to the gas station to fill it but couldn't get it out of the lot. I'd still like to think that, if we can get some gas to flow through the system, that the injector cleaner will make it work... but if the pump is malfunctioning and gas can't get through, the cleaner won't do a damn thing. I can't really say I'm shocked by this fact. It is exactly like my appendectomy two years ago: the doctor came into my emergency room, leaned on the bed, and said that I needed to have the surgery that afternoon. Matt and I simply responded with an "okay." The doctor seemed a little surprised by our response, and we told him that, if he'd had the August we'd had, he wouldn't be shocked by this either.

I know that things will eventually get better, but it's hard to remember that when things get so dire. The only thing I can think of to fix the Subaru is to sell the Beetle and fix it with what remains after the loan is paid. I mean, we were planning to be a one-car family for awhile so it doesn't really make a difference that the Subaru is down and out, but it's just stressful. I know that Subarus are workhorses and will run 300K miles if they are taken care of; that's the reason we got the Subaru. I was just hoping we'd have a bit more time (and a better financial situation) before we'd need to put some expensive work into it.

I went to a job interview for Bath and Body Works today, and I can't imagine why I wouldn't be hired. The major downside is that the hours would be insanely low - anywhere from 3 to 9 hours a week - but there's a strong possibility to get more hours in November and, depending on work performance, a chance to stay on past the holiday season. It's definitely better than sitting around at home all day, but if the hours do stay low I'd have to find a second part-time job. I actually did already take a part-time job: a former co-worker of mine (who was hired after me but managed to survive the layoff I was in) asked me to work with him at the coffee kiosks at the convention center next week. I wasn't going to do it (mainly because I was hoping that vet clinic job with come through, but also because it seemed pretty awkward) but I quickly realized that it was stupid to turn it down when our financial situation is so dire. If it isn't too bad I may just keep up with it until I go back to school. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow morning that I'm pretty excited about. I know, it seems terribly hypocritical to talk about our financial situation in one breath then turn around and spend over $100 at a hair appointment, but my hair has always been my one splurge. I'm planning to put the payment on my credit card (which doesn't make me terribly happy either) but I feel like I need to keep one thing that will make me feel good. My diet hasn't been coming back as easily as it was before my parents visited... I desperately need to go buy some fruits and vegetables in order to keep on track. I've also been trying to walk the dogs every day, but that's been a bit difficult with the heat of summer continuing. If I were really smart I'd get dressed and take the dogs for a walk at 7:00 when Ozzie wakes up to go potty... but usually I just want to go back to sleep. At any rate, I want to make sure my physical self-esteem doesn't drop too far amid everything that's been happening.

Ozzie's training has been going exceedingly well the last couple days. He hasn't had an accident since Tuesday and he responds to the basic obedience commands. We're going to work more this week on "stay" and "come." He is still struggling with crate training, but I guess I can't knock on it too much since Mirabelle never took to it 100%. At least he settles after a short while and doesn't destroy the blanket in it. His teething has been getting better, although he keeps chewing on his tail instead of on his toys! I guess I should be thankful he's not chewing our furniture. I just wish I could train him to do something when he's got to go outside. Mirabelle will sit by the glass patio door and usually scratch at it when she's got to go. I guess I'll have to read a bit more and see if I can get him to do something like that.

Sunday and Tuesday next week Matt and I are attending our first Colorado Avalanche games of the 2010-2011 season. We're huge hockey and Avs fans and I'm lucky enough to get free tickets through a former co-worker. At the job I had previously, before I was laid off at my most recent job, I worked indirectly for Kroenke Sports, which owns the Avs, the Nuggets, the Pepsi Center, and several other local businesses. The only positive about that job was the free tickets, and eventually my misery won out, hence the reason I quit. If I'd known that this was the course life would take I probably would have stayed at that job till after the 09-10 season and then would have gone back to Caribou full-time till the fall semester, but what can I do about it now? I'm so happy that I'm still friends with a few former co-workers so we can go to a few games a month. It's always a lot of fun to see them now that I don't work for that company anymore.

I promised myself I wouldn't talk much, if at all, about politics on this. I guess I can't really help myself sometimes; I'm pretty liberal and while I know that both sides of the spectrum have their flaws and their strengths I am completely appalled by the current debate over Bush-Era tax cuts. I often find myself arguing with my sister, as she is very right-conservative, but I can't wrap my head around the bullshit the Republicans are trying to pull right now. Basically, the current administration wants to renew the tax cuts for families making less than $250,000/year but wants to let them expire for those in the 95th Percentile. This means that the Richie Riches of the world will need to, god forbid, pay more in taxes than they did in the last 8 years. There are approximately 400 billionaires in America. FOUR HUNDRED. And they make more in one year than I probably will in my adult lifetime. So why the hell is it so terrible that they pay more in taxes? Republicans are threatening to block all efforts to extend tax cuts to those of us on the ground floor, meaning the Republicans will be to blame if/when my taxes increase this year, all because they want their billionaire donors to continue to pad their own greedy pockets. I guess I'm not a greedy enough person, because I can't wrap my head around that idea. If I were to suddenly become a billionaire I know I'd happily pay more in taxes - it's my duty to do so, to give to those who need and to help in any way I can. I guess I just have too big a conscience. And I know that, if this extension of tax cuts doesn't get passed (if Republicans are big enough assholes to block it because of their rich buddy billionaires) the Dems will be to blame. It's infuriating.

Whew - that was a rant! I can't help but feel pretty down and out about politics. I'm turning more into my mom (and many others) and getting very pessimistic about it all. People are always going to be greedy, selfish asses, and I don't know what could possibly happen to change that.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I should hear about the B&BW job by Wednesday, but in the meantime I'm applying for a few admin assistant jobs and other retail jobs just as a back-up. I'm hoping to get something, anything, soon so we can start to get back up on our feet. Right now we're just waiting and taking things as they come.

This Means War

Sorry for the lack of post this week. I can't really say I've been doing a lot, other than some grocery shopping with Angela and getting started on some Fall TV. Obviously there has been job searchings and school researching but I'm getting pretty discouraged about it all. I'm typically an incredibly optimistic person, but life has been so awful lately that it's been difficult to stay positive.

Matt and I have, for the five years we've been together, joked about how our lives would always be difficult because of Matt's family history... that things would always be hard simply because we were together and trying to make our way through this world. I always laughed it off, but in the last couple of years I can't help but feel like it's a true "curse." Just before we got married we had a series of three awful events that really hit us hard: first, my grandpa died in early August. Then, a few days after I returned to Denver from his funeral, I was in a car accident and had to pour over $700 out of my pocket to fix my car (yes, that's after insurance). Finally, TWO WEEKS before our wedding, I woke up with awful pain in my stomach and ended up needing an appendectomy... did I mention it was two weeks before our wedding??

Since then, life has been steadily getting better, slowly, very slowly. My job between our wedding two years ago and earlier this year gradually got worse and worse, driving me to drink (quite literally!), but our finances were good. We never saw our friends, but Matt and I were happy together and we were able to have a honest-to-God date day every week, which was amazing. When my job change came in March I hoped it was the beginning of something fantastic. I loved my job, I was working hard to learn and grow and be better at it, and even though my income decreased Matt's increased, so we weren't quite as hard up for money as we thought we'd be. We were able to get Matt a better working car, and we got great insurance through Matt's job when he transferred locations, and my best friend moved to Denver earlier this year, which made me incredibly happy. Yep, things were finally starting to look up, and we were making plans... plans about getting a second dog, moving into a larger apartment or even looking for a townhouse, even so far as trying to start a family in a couple years. We were so happy.

And now we are faced with unemployment and our family income has decreased almost by half. Despite applying for many jobs ranging from secretarial/reception to barista jobs to Petsmart and other corporate retail jobs and even with all my experience I haven't heard anything at all. I'm about 98% sure I'll end up in a graduate program (more on that later) but what do we do between now and then? If I get a job, great, but I'm sure it'll be a minimum wage part-time job somewhere. So what could make everything worse? What more could possibly happen?

On Wednesday I went to my condo's office to pick up a package for Matt. Our office worker and fellow resident, Robin, informed me that one of our neighbors (and believe me, I'm about 90% sure I know who) snitched about us getting Ozzie and that there would be discussion about it at the next board meeting. Since Matt and I rent a unit here we had no idea that a rule had gone into effect that no new or additional animals would be permitted to live here. So now there is a possibility we may have to move sometime in the next month. The condo community can't really request that we leave, but they can put pressure on our landlord. We haven't heard anything from anyone yet, but we are looking for a new place to live just in case. Unfortunately with our current financial situation we are looking again at a cramped one-bedroom in a shithole apartment complex. The one we were completely excited about (2 bed townhouse in Lakewood for $600/mo, complete with washer and dryer) turned out to be a scam. We've got a few others we're looking at, but we want to really have something equally as nice as what we have now (which isn't amazing, but it's liveable, except for all the assholes that live here).

The entire situation has gotten me to a level of anger I haven't felt in a very long time. I finally have subscribed to Matt's philosophy that I can't worry about anyone else, that I have to worry about me and my family first. And you know, the anger that I'm feeling has caused me to be a little petty. I fully plan to report every single negative thing I see in my time remaining here, every barking dog and every dog off-leash, every broken security door, every time there's loud music or pot smoke coming into my apartment. Matt and I are some of the only responsible pet owners here. We keep our dogs quiet, we pick up every piece of shit and always have them leashed. I'm just so livid that it's escalated to the level it's at, and that I've got this added stress on me. And if we do decide to (or have to) move I guaran-damn-tee it that I will be a miserable neighbor for the last few weeks we're here. Yeah, it's juvenile, it's petty and probably bad for karma, but I just don't care anymore.

On the plus side, I think I've decided what I will go back to school to study. When I started thinking about all the things I want to do - I want to help people, I want to make a difference, I want to have something relatively stable and hopefully a halfway decent wage - to be honest, it all started as a big ironic joke. On Monday I was sitting at home, looking for a job, realizing that I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I thought about how funny it'd be if I became a career counselor... you know, because I would be telling people what to do for a career and I couldn't figure out my own life. But it did lead me to research what it takes to be a school guidance counselor, and it turns out the Masters degree is offered at UC Denver. I've been working on an application for the program, and got a study book for the GRE, and am asking for letters of recommendation from old professors. I don't quite know what it is about it that makes it feel "right," but whenever I think about it I don't get that nagging "No, I don't want that" feeling in my gut. And I guess that's why I'm jumping into it without too much hesitation.

So I suppose that's the silver lining in all this. I'm unemployed, I can't find a new job, I may not be living in my apartment for much longer and may be moving into a dive, but I am moving forward and thinking about what I'm doing next. I just wish everything would fall into place. I can't stand this uncertainty and the wait between now and when I start school. I always look ahead and see that house and a family and all the things we want and hope for, and I just want it now. More than anything I want to know that all these things are going to happen, and that even if life is totally shitty right now that those things are on the horizon. I guess that's part of staying positive and trying to keep the bad at bay.

Oh My, How Time Flies

Holy crap, it's September! It seems like such a short time ago that I was digging my car out from a blizzard. I can't believe how fast this year is going.

More of the same here in Unemployment Ville. It's been really hard lately to stay positive, and not get down on myself. I've found that I'm so insanely bored during the day. Sure, I'm taking Ozzie out every hour and trying to work on his crate and obedience training, but even at maximum output that still leaves me with a few hours of nothing.

Yesterday Angela was nice enough to get me out of the house for a bit, even if it was just running a few errands. We went by the Humane Society in Littleton so I could drop off their application, then went over to Panera Bread for dinner. Next was a quick trip to Target, then an hour and a half long trip to southern Aurora in rush hour traffic! The hope was to get mani-pedis, but we got there a half hour before they were going to close, and they were pretty packed, so we made appointments for tomorrow afternoon.

I finally got some information back from UC Denver about their Masters of Public Affairs program, and as part of their information they sent a "survey" of recent graduates, and I have to say I'm pretty damn impressed. 80% of grads were employed full-time, and about 70% were employed within 6 months of graduation. Three quarters of grads had a starting salary between $35K and $100K!! That's crazy to me... I guess I'm still in the mentality that $30K is a lot of money (unfortunately, it is NOT in Denver). I am going to UC Denver tomorrow morning to talk to someone a bit about what I'm thinking for my future... we'll see. I'm still not quite sure about it all, but if I am eligible for Pell Grants due to my unemployment and am not having any luck finding another job... I feel like I might as well try to re-establish myself in a professional field.

I know that "medical" is the way to go right now... a girlfriend of mine who was laid off a few years ago got her medical assistant's degree and she's doing great. I guess it's just not for me. Yeah, I could struggle through the classes and get a good, reliable, fairly high-paying job, but I'd be pretty freaking miserable. I'm not the type of person who can go to a job 40 hours a week and hate it... I can't look at it as a job that I just do for money and my life only exists in that non-work time. I tried that once and it led me to heavy drinking!! I just need to figure out what would make me happy... that's been the impossible thing. I keep thinking of these careers I could do, looking at the job postings online, and when I think "Can I do that?" it's usually the same answer: "I don't know." I just don't know what would really make me feel whole.

I'm really envious of people who know from childhood what they want to be. I don't feel like I've ever had that. I just can't pinpoint a single idea, and it's killing me right now. I'm such a control freak, I want to have everything tied up in a neat little package, and everything is unraveling without a way to fix it. I'm grasping at nothing, and I don't know what I'm looking for. It'd be so much easier if I could make that distinction of work versus life, if I could get into a career for the money and dissociate between that and my personal life... I just can't bring myself to do it.

I feel like I'm losing my shimmer, as ridiculous as that sounds. It's just an emptiness that I haven't felt in a long time. I mean, I'm not depressed or alcoholic (I worked too hard to lose 10 lbs, I'm not going to ruin it with booze, at least not till my parents come visit!) but I'm just feeling boring. Simple questions like "How are you?" are hard to answer, because I'm not doing anything and nothing has changed. Yeah, I know, it's only been two weeks, but it's hit me pretty hard.

In other news, Ozzie has been a little shit today. He's had numerous accidents, and I don't know if it is because Matt and I were both home or if it is just puppy tendencies. He was doing so well yesterday! We have had a lot of fun though; he LOVES to lick and nibble on ears! Mirabelle is still doing okay. They run and chase each other, which starts to sounds pretty ridiculous, because Mirabelle is SO vocal that it sounds like she's terrorizing him! They get really worn out and tired from all the running and playing, which is really nice. He's still having pretty bad reactions when he's left alone, mainly because he hasn't been crate trained properly (it's just such a long process, and we don't have the money for a puppy play pen like is recommended), so I'm hoping once he becomes more comfortable with his crate he'll chill a bit. I have a feeling he'll be a very good home-alone dog someday, once he is out of his chewing phase, but I don't want to run that risk right now. I certainly can't wait for his neuter surgery so he will (hopefully) stop marking on the carpet!

(But who could be mad at that face?!)

When I lost my job two weeks ago Matt pulled out of his stock program at work, so his paycheck includes the nearly $300 extra he'd had allocated to the stocks. It was perfect timing; we went to the grocery store today and stocked up on meat (nearly 8 pounds of ground beef for about $15, 3 pounds of chicken breasts for about $6) and got some staples to get us through for awhile. I got a lot of produce to make a soup to eat for lunches (81 calories per serving!) and ingredients for a bunch of casseroles and larger portion dinners. I'm hoping to have lots of leftovers for the next couple weeks.

Great, now our downstairs neighbor has started her evening ritual of smoking pot and burning incense... it just wafts upward through our patio's screen door and stinks up our apartment. God, I can't wait to get our own place, or at least a townhouse or something... I am so sick of shitty and inconsiderate neighbors. On our floor alone we have:

1. Dramatic young-adult neighbors who constantly fight and make up, have friends over at all hours of the day and night, and break the security door so they don't have to constantly let their friends into the building.
2. Older crabby and overly entitled couple with aggressive yorkie-mix Harley, who has on MANY occasions been off-leash (which is illegal in Denver) and attacked Mirabelle.
3. Trashy and rude family that plays their music loud enough to be heard at our apartment, nearly 25 feet away, on the weekends.

This is in addition to the first floor snob with the purebred yorkie that barks at EVERYTHING, the "ethnic" family assigned the parking spot next to us and they can't park worth a damn, creepy pedophile guy, and just about every other dog owner living here, because none of them can seem to pick up after their pets. At least we don't have roaches or other pests, and for the most part our complex is clean, but it'd be so nice to have a place of our own, where we don't have to worry about neighbors sharing walls, floors, or ceilings with us.

And on that rant I suppose I should get to bed. Ozzie's made a pretty solid schedule of waking up around 6:30, so I've been trying to compensate by going to bed a bit earlier. I'm the kind of gal that, once I'm awake, I'm up and I really can't fall back asleep... which has been loads of fun, let me tell you...

Give and Take

Today has been a bit of a rough one.

Ozzie and I had a tough morning on account that he wanted to potty on my carpet and I wanted him to potty outside. After three separate incidents of naughtiness I just gave up and cleaned up after him, then began the day with some job searching.

But alas! The day was not a bust. After a few hours of puppy dreams, chases, and toy snatching I put the harness on our little man and took him out for a little leash training and, with any luck, potty training. It was a bit of slow going at first, but with a little treat coaxing he was following politely behind (kind of a nice change from Mirabelle, who runs and tugs with no avail when she's out on a leash). After about 5 minutes, and approximately 20 feet outside our door, he sat in the grass and sniffed vigorously, then spun in a circle and TA-DA! The little man marked the yard as his own and received treats and praise fit for a king.

About 10 minutes later we had, like the Tortoise, slowly but surely arrived at the front of our building among the grass and bushes. I was just about to turn back and lead him inside when, feeling resistance on the lead, turned to find him diligently doing #2. As TMI as it is, I don't think I've ever been so excited to see dog poo. Hopefully today's events mean Ozzie is on his way to being potty-trained. Other things on the agenda of "Ozzie's Big Day" include a trip to the vet this evening.

I applied for a sales administrative assistant job last night at The Curtis Hotel, a hip establishment downtown across from the Denver Center Performing Arts Complex, and I am both excited and hopeful about it. When I was job searching in early 2008 (which I found much less stressful considering I was working full-time and searching part-time, as opposed to searching full-time) I'd applied for and was offered the same position at the Crowne Plaza downtown. I took instead a job that, while I left it with some good friendships, the job made me insanely miserable and drove me to drink... for real, I would get off work at 5:30, drive by the liquor store, and have four beers down by 7:30. I've often wondered how things would have been different had I taken that job. I remember in my second interview at the Crowne Plaza finding that nearly every person in the sales department had started as an admin assistant, and I'd been excited by that prospect. Maybe this opportunity at The Curtis would be a way to make up for a retrospectively large misstep in my career path.

Brief Intermission/Puppy Snuggle Break...

I suppose the last few days have been an exercise in Give and Take. It's been really rough, that's for sure. I always used to joke that I need to constantly be doing something in order to be happy... it's one of those "funny because it is true" jokes. Not having a job, not having obligations for my days, has been trying. I've felt pretty worthless the last few days, and have felt guilty that my days consist of internet-ing, TV-ing, and lying around with two dogs. But in a crude way I compare it to Ozzie's training. I've been trying for three days now to force Ozzie to potty train the same way Mirabelle did, and this morning I was angry and frustrated and not sure what else to do to make him get it. But on a whim this morning I decided to work on leash training with him and now I'm hopeful he'll get the potty training. It'll be a bumpy road, and he won't get it right away, but with patience and diligence we'll make him successful. As for me, I've been thinking so hard the last couple days about what I need and want that I've been building roadblocks and thinking that all I'll do is continue to fail. I just need to get up, brush myself off, and get out there and see what happens. It'll be hard, but I have to stay positive as I always have and hope that I will someday be successful too.

And now I've successfully compared unemployment to dog poop. You're welcome.