Dude, I'm a mom.
This has been one of the weirdest things to think so far. Seriously. And Matt? He's a dad. What the hell.
No amount of reading or research can prepare you for parenthood.
I read about 6 books, cover to cover, before Jamie was born. What to Expect, Babywise, Happiest Baby, Healthy Sleep Habits... I knew I was at a disadvantage going into motherhood because I didn't have a lot of experience with babies. When Jamie was born I felt okay. Now, three weeks later, I feel like everything I read was a waste of time, because I just feel completely lost. I know that, eventually, all the knowledge will kick in (as well as instincts) but for now I'm just trying to go with it.
Breastfeeding is hard. Ridiculously @#($%! hard.
I could write an entire book on this topic. To be blunt, breastfeeding sucks. For me, it isn't about the "beautiful bond" we share. It's about 1) saving money, since breastmilk is free and formula is damn expensive, and 2) there are a ton of health benefits for it. But the negatives, at least for me, are almost outweighing it. First, you have to worry about supply. Are you making enough? Is he eating enough? And if you aren't, then do you pump and/or supplement? And don't even get me started on the actual physical act of breastfeeding. It's awkward, trying to juggle a sack of jelly and coordinate his little face, get him to latch on (and it really has to be just right or else it doesn't work for anyone), then try to keep him awake long enough to eat (this has been our biggest problem so far). There is so much that can go wrong and so much to stress about. And, just like with pregnancy, god forbid you get online and try to read about the problems you're having, because it'll start telling you all kinds of things that will make you paranoid and make you feel like an un-providing mother. And you can't get your spouse to help you, so it's all you for that first month, up every two hours at night to feed him. And DEAR LORD don't even get started on nipple confusion. If you give your kid a pacifier in the first month it is grounds for the state welfare office to come in and take your kid away from you. We've been at this breastfeeding thing now for three weeks, and honestly I'd switch him to an "exclusively pumped" kid* if I could dedicate the time to it. Feeding time is still so stressful, and I'm just not sure how much longer I can struggle through it. I hope that things get easier soon.
*Also, pumping may be the only thing more awkward than breastfeeding.
There is nothing more heartbreaking than your son's crying.
Yesterday was a rough day. Jamie cried and cried and I couldn't console him. He and I just rocked in the recliner, both of us crying, trying to feel better. Luckily yesterday was the first day we had like that - for the most part he's been pretty predictable, sleeping most of the day, except for every couple of hours or so when I wake him up to feed him. The crying isn't an annoyance most of the time - it's not like "nails on a chalkboard" like many people say. It's more like being stabbed a million times with lots of tiny needles. And if he won't stop it just tears your heart in two.
But when the kid is happy, there's no better feeling in the entire world.
This kid smiles. I know, I know, it's more than likely gas. But even when you snuggle and he's just quietly alert, looking around, looking at the lights and the contrasting shadows, it's an amazing feeling. When he's starting to fall asleep in your arms, his little eyelids fluttering and the corners of his mouth twitching up into a little grin, it's the most amazing feeling in the world.
Seeing your husband love on your son will make you fall in love with him all over again.SERIOUSLY. Matt and I are so in love with this kid, and in those few hours at night after work while I'm either making something for dinner or resting in the recliner he takes Jamie from the rocker, lays him on his chest, and my heart just melts. Matt sings him little songs, reads him articles about hockey, and there is no greater feeling in the world. We've always had a good, healthy, strong marriage. But Jamie coming into the picture has made me realize just how much I love him. And Matt's been the most amazing dad, while also being an amazingly supportive husband. On the days I spend at home with Jamie, worrying and crying and panicking, he comes home and reassures me that everything is going to be okay. And I love him more everyday for it all.
Sleep is overrated and underrated.
That whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing is a load of crap, and here's why: Babies are typically on a 2.5 to 3 hour cycle. Feed/change/cuddle them for about an hour, then they fall asleep for 1.5 to 2 hours. Plenty of time for a catnap, right? Well, first you undoubtedly have to pee, because you've been tending to your newborn's needs. And when you pee you have to take care of all your "other business," most likely medical needs after having the kid. Then you have to tend to your breastfeeding needs. So, allocate about 30 minutes for that. Then you need to throw in a laundry load of tiny onesies and crib sheets. Oh, and all those dishes from dinner last night? Might as well load those in the dishwasher, because you've got to wash and sanitize all your breast pump accoutrements. After all this, you've maybe got 30 minutes to an hour, if you're lucky, if the baby is going to stretch out the cycle to the very end. But he probably won't.
As for underrated, there's no better sensation than dozing off in the recliner while the baby sleeps in a bassinet nearby, even if just for a few minutes. I've always been that person that finds it impossible to sleep during the day, but life with a newborn is starting to change that a little. At least now I'm napping in the evenings once Matt is home from work... if I have time.
Gas sucks.
We may, in fact, have a colicky baby. This was one of my biggest fears about bringing baby home. Poor Jamie has the worst gas. He curls up in a tight little ball, turns beet-red, screams, and cries until he's finally able to pass it. Gas drops don't seem to help, nor do the tummy massages or the "colic holds." He's just gassy, and there's nothing we can do about it. Thankfully he is consolable, and he is mostly sleeping when he isn't eating, so it isn't true colic... just gas. And it sucks.
Eating is no longer pleasurable.
Along those lines, eating has become a nuisance to me. For a week or two we were trying to figure out what in my diet was making Jamie so gassy, to no avail. It seems like the only food he really couldn't tolerate was when we ordered in sesame chicken one night - I'm assuming it was just too spicy for his little belly. But I tried cutting out dairy, wheats, even my daily cup of coffee. I'm so paranoid about him getting even more gassy and in even more pain that I am afraid to eat. At the same time, I'm so worried about him getting the nutrients he needs, so I'm trying to eat fruits and veggies, which then makes me feel guilty because I'm so sure it is contributing to the gas problem. For someone who loves to cook this puts me in a predicament because I have no idea what I can make that'll keep him happy. I'm fairly confident that the gas is actually an unpleasant side effect to the breastfeeding, but I'm not 100% certain. So in the meantime I'll just panic about everything I put in my body.
My house is a disaster and I (almost) don't care.
I'm not a neat freak, but being at home all day long definitely makes me feel like I should be more productive. Yes, I had a baby three weeks ago. Yes, my priority right now needs to be in taking care of our newborn. But seriously, all I want to do is take care of the dirty dishes, get my office upstairs cleaned and organized, and start going through the boxes upon boxes of junk that we never went through when we moved into our house last summer. But by the time I get Jamie fed and down for the sleep part of his cycle, I'm just as exhausted as he is. So I end up sitting in the recliner, watching whatever SVU marathon is on or getting caught up on other shows. And I feel guilty about it, but I also know that it's okay for me to take things easy. But each day that goes by and I don't do something productive... I just start to get antsy. I'm hoping that, if Jamie ever gets on some sort of a routine or schedule, that I'll be able to take some time to work in the house.
WTF is happening to my body?
Just like during pregnancy, my body is doing wackadoo things. I was lucky, my pregnancy was pretty uneventful, but the change in hormones still has an effect on me. The biggest thing I've noticed is a resurgence of acne. I've always struggled with it, but it got really nasty during my first trimester, and now again that Jamie's out. It's really, really bad - bad enough that I feel kind of disgusting even thinking about going out in public. I'm also dealing with the whole flabby belly thing, which is normal, but all I can think about it getting clearance from my doctor to start doing yoga again. There's also hair growing in places that hair wasn't growing before. But there are a few positives: first, since I didn't gain a ton of weight with Jamie, I actually look slimmer now than I did before I was pregnant. As my mom kept saying when she was here visiting, "You don't even look like you had a baby!" Also, I think my hair may be getting curlier. Luckily I didn't deal with the hair loss that a lot of women deal with. But I know texture changes are pretty common too - while I typically straighten my hair, I have been just letting it air dry while I've been at home, and it seems to be curling better than it did before. I'm planning to chop my hair off in the next few months, so we'll see what happens after that.
Yes, you DO have conversations about which traits you hope pass on.
On Jamie's birthday, when they plopped him on my chest and I held him for the first time, I looked at Matt and exclaimed "He doesn't have your family's ears!" It was a little silly, but Matt's family has a very distinct trait in which their ears "tip out" at the top. Since then we have been casually mentioning the traits we hope Jamie does and does not get from us. For one, we hope he is patient, unlike me. We hope he can manage his temper. We hope his eyes stay the dark gray-blue they are now (which were the same color as Matt's grandpa, the one that Jamie is named for). We hope he gets my palate, and will like eating fruits and veggies like I do. He already makes the same grumpy face that Matt and his dad do, which is pretty funny to see. It's amazing to see how much he's changed in the last three weeks already, and how he's developing into his own little person. I can't wait to see what happens in the next two months.
I hope the thoughts I've written above don't seem like a lot of complaining - we really do feel truly blessed and we're so happy to have Jamie in our lives. We're all just adjusting to this new (and exciting) life ahead of us.
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