I keep waiting for things to get better for us and it seems that, every time something happens that makes me think we're heading in the right direction a couple other things happen to make me think otherwise. All I want right now is for things to go back to some semblance of normalcy. I don't want to feel this stressed or frustrated anymore. I'm totally sick of it.
Today is the first day in the last 2 months that I've been angry at my previous employer for putting me in this position. I was really understanding at first, knowing that it was hard on my bosses and that it was something they didn't want to do, but today I've just had it. I'm so angry I can hardly stand it, I just feel like the world is falling apart around me and I should just accept the fact that my life's just going to be a shitty one. I just need to stop dreaming about being comfortable someday and just get rid of all the things we have that make us happy and wipe out all accesses and luxuries we have. I'm ready to throw my arms up in the air and give up on everything.
I started out this awful day by crunching numbers and realizing there's no way in hell we'll be able to pay for all the expenses we have coming out in the next two weeks. I'll get my first paycheck on Friday, a whopping $135, and after running through it we were short about $250. In addition, I checked our cable bill and it'd gone up $20 in the last month (more on that later). I had to take Matt's savings, which just completely disgusted me, and I just don't even know what we'll do next if things don't get better. I went to the grocery store last night and spent $53, and I feel bad today for spending that because I could have paid a bill with that. We've been eating the foods my parents bought for us a month ago, consisting of oatmeal, granola bars, chips and pretzels, and relying on Angela's kindness on taking us out. It sucks.
I'm supposed to start at Old Navy sometime this week, and I can't help but feel that, if they could offer me 30 hours a week, that'd be awesome. I just need to make about $600 a month to make it by... that'd be 30 hours at Old Navy and the average 8-10 hours a week at Bath & Body Works. The other thing that sucks is that, when I go back to school, I'll need to take out a bunch of living loans... not for "extra" spending, not for buying a computer or paying off a credit card (which, I can't lie, would be awesome) but for actual LIVING... for paying bills and buying groceries while I'm only able to work part-time.
We still have no idea what's up with the Subaru, and it doesn't seem our mechanic does either. It's frustrating, but we aren't mad at them because they are doing everything they can. My biggest worry is that it will be a non-repairable issue and we'll be stuck with a car loan and no car. I wish this had happened three months ago so we could have taken advantage of the lemon law. My other worry is that the problem will be so expensive to fix that it will be impossible to do.
When I checked our Comcast bill this morning and saw that it'd gone up $20 in the last month for what seems to be no good reason I just about lost it. We've had absolutely nothing but trouble with Comcast since May. We've had to call them every month (sometimes four or five times in one month!) and they have been awful to deal with since then. So today I called Qwest and talked to a very nice young lady and, after about an hour, we decided to switch to their internet with Direct TV. We got rid of our phone line (we hardly ever use it, and the only calls we get on that line are debt collector calls for about three different people) and found that we'd be saving about $100/mo for the first six months and, even in a year when all the promo savings are over, we'd still be saving about $40/mo. I'm worried that we'll get screwed over again, but just because it seems like we always do. I just hope this works out well for us.
It seems that I end every post saying that "Well, things are going to get better, things can only go up!" but I can't say that today. I just feel like things are still spiraling out of control and can't help wondering if things are just going to keep getting worse over the next few months. I guess I'm having a really off day today. I just can't shake the pessimism or the anger or the frustration.
Why the hell can't things be easy for us? Why has our life been so fucking difficult? Who did we piss off along the way to deserve this? I believe in karma, and I feel like I've lived my life trying to uphold that. So I've got to wonder what I'm doing wrong to bring this into our home. All I wanted was to be married to Matt and be happy. I want to have our dogs and someday have kid(s), and maybe a nice house and a job I don't hate. I feel like that's not asking a lot. I'm not asking for fame or fortune. I feel like everything I want is reasonable. I just want to give up on all this... I am so sick of feeling this way. Are our lives ever going to be easy? Are we ever going to make it? Or are we going to lose everything and have to move away from here and wait to have kids till I'm 30? I've had to completely rewrite my life because of this one major event and all I want is for life to go back to normal. Hell, maybe I just go crawling back to Caribou, take the assistant manager job, and just deal with my life being something I'm not proud of or happy with. I've tried so hard to get a life we love, to make our life enjoyable and happy, and I just feel like I've failed miserably. And I just feel like it's so unfair that we have it so rough when we've tried so hard to be good people. I've completely lost my optimism and just don't know what to do anymore.
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