Overdue

I've had many days in the last few weeks where I've thought I really need to blog about today and have just either forgotten or moved along to other things. It's a little silly because nothing has changed since my last post but I still feel a bit obligated to let everyone know that I'm still alive and relatively well.

We're finally about 98% settled in our new place. We've got an office to clean/organize (really I just need to sort though all the junk into the "keep," "throw", and "store" categories) and a few items to put in the crawl space and outdoor storage closet. We took some time tonight and hung up our pictures and artwork, so it's finally starting to look like we live here. I'll be a lot happier when everything is done but it's much closer now. The moving and unpacking has given me inspiration for an "Apartment Wish List," including a set of end tables, a sofa table, a filing cabinet, a new bedding set, new pots and pans... I suppose these are things we can ask for eventually when we buy a house and have a housewarming, but it's difficult to look around and say "Yep, had that since college" or "Yeah, bought that at Goodwill" and see that things are badly beaten up. I hate feeling like I can't provide us with things we want. I know things will, supposedly, be easier once I have my Master's and get a good job but that's my underlying fear with everything: what if I get this degree and still can't provide? What if I have to continue working two shitty retail jobs and living paycheck to paycheck, unable to afford a new set of pans to replace our Goodwill ones? What if we're never able to save, never able to buy a house or have a kid? What if ten years from now we are still struggling, still unhappy?

I know, it all sounds very melodramatic. I guess I've been hyper-aware of time lately, realizing that as I get older time just goes by quicker. I find myself crawling into bed at night wondering what happened to the day, what I did (or didn't) do that was productive or meaningful, and can't help but feel the weight of imaginary ticking clocks on my shoulders. It's not one of those "Well, I'm getting older, it's time to start having kids," but more of a "What the hell am I doing with my life? What did I do today that made any difference?" I try to focus on the important things, like Matt and my other relationships, but it's difficult. I know it has to do with the last 8 months and how tough it's all been, and being down about what's happening, and having my confidence taken away and feeling like I may never succeed or achieve anything.

Angela and I were talking the other day about friendships, and how my mom was right: as you get older your "good" friends fall fewer and farther apart, and soon you're left with your spouse and one, maybe two really close friends. I can't help but feel I've already gotten to that point, and it's a bit sad. I know my location has a lot to do with it, and that if I were in MN I'd probably feel a bit less upset about it. I keep wondering and berating myself, trying to figure out what I did, or what I said, or what my flaw is that put me in this position. I keep trying to convince myself that it's not my fault but it gets more difficult as time goes on. I just do the best I can and hope for the best.

It is a bit liberating though, at the same time, because in the back of my head I know, with my Master's degree, I can graduate and apply for jobs anywhere I want and not worry about being tied to Denver. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, and feel like things are finally getting better after almost 4 years of trying to make it work. But there's a certain sense of freedom knowing I could apply just about anywhere - the only relationships here that'd be hard to leave would be Angela (assuming she stays in Denver for med school, which may not be the case) and sadly enough the Avalanche. I could apply for jobs in Portland, Seattle, back in Minneapolis, or maybe even out on the east coast. I suppose that's the silver lining to diminishing relationships.

Speaking of, classes are getting tougher as the semester goes on, mostly in terms of workload. I didn't think it'd be so time consuming, but I spend most of my days reading or watching lectures or writing assignments. When I'm not doing schoolwork I'm at work or sleeping. I try to preserve Thursdays as a day off with Matt, but that time is now becoming "get the rest of this crap unpacked and put away" time. I'm not feeling overwhelmed but think that two classes a semester is going to be just about it for me. I'm excited to see what's coming up next semester and start working toward my specializations. I'm going to focus on the Sports and Entertainment specialty, and may also pick up a second specialty in Sustainable Marketing. I've also decided, at least for now, that I'll try to work for the Denver Center, the Avalanche, or New Belgium. All have perks and I'm sure all have negatives as well, but right now that's the idea. Of course, as the last year has taught me all too well, you can't bank on anything, and things change in a heartbeat.

While out with Matt today we stopped by the closest thing to a local coffee shop (it's actually a franchised shop, but it's not a Starbucks, which is about all we have in our new neighborhood) I ran into an old business colleague and had to do the whole "Yeah, I got laid off, it really sucked, but now I'm in school" thing. It sucks - I always feel like everything was somehow my fault when in my brain I know it wasn't. It's one of my fatal flaws, and I know that and am trying to figure out how to get over it. I always take blame for everything, feel like it's somehow my fault, and get down on myself for everything. I just want everything to always be perfect.

We're gearing up also for a trip to Kirksville, our first trip back to Missouri since we got married. It should be an okay time: it'll be nice to see old friends and see Matt's family, including his new nephew we haven't even met yet. It'll be a relaxing vacation, probably mostly sitting around and not running all day long. The coffee shop that was a huge part of our early relationship is now closed, which is terribly depressing, so I don't know where we'll spend our time... maybe we'll be true "townies" and spend all day in the bars!

But overall today was a good day. Matt finally got to sleep in and got some rest he desperately needed. I got up around 8, which is pretty typical, and lounged around with the dogs. When Matt was up and mobile we took the Subie for new tires, hopefully the last major work we'll need to do for another 100,000 miles. We only paid about $360 for it, since the place was having a Buy 2, Get 2 Free sale (on Subarus you have to replace all four at once, you can't switch two out at a time). The car runs a lot more smoothly now and I am hoping it'll be awesome in the snow. While we waiting for the tires to be done we went to a little bagel shop nearby and played a game of cards. It was nice, almost like old times when we used to go out every Saturday morning. Afterward we went to Lowe's to buy a ladder (due to the vaulted ceilings in our new place we needed a 6' ladder to reach the ceiling fan) and proudly put Meat Loaf back up on display. We came home and cleaned a bit, hung pictures and put stuff down in the crawl space. Then we decided to make it an actual date day, so we went to see a movie. Overall, a pretty darn good day indeed.

But I guess that's about all for now, at least everything I could remember. I'm pretty much fighting to keep my eyes open long enough to finish this... so that's the clear sign that I should wrap this up and crawl into bed.