We took a trip to Missouri to see Matt's family this week. We drove so we could bring the dogs along, avoiding a hefty boarding fee at Petsmart. We were fine with the idea of seeing Matt's family, but the idea of being back in Missouri for any length of time is rough. I won't delve into too many details, as the trip was on the whole pretty uneventful, but it was both good (seeing old friends and the in-laws) and bad (getting into spats with said in-laws regarding politics and feeling completely out of place). Our favorite coffee spot, and a huge part of our early dating life, had closed a few months ago due to a failure to pay back taxes so we checked out a new hang out, Pickler's Famous, and found it to be incredibly pleasant. The remodeling of the historic building prompted the Missouri State Historical Preservation Society to declare the downtown Square as a historical location, so now all remodels and changes must be approved. This is something Matt and I wanted to see happen when we still lived there, and there's no doubt that the townies will bitch and complain about it as it'll end up costing them an extra 40 cents in taxes, but I digress. We also ended up babysitting and watching nieces/nephew a few times, which I'm convinced is a ploy to plant a baby bug in my brain, but Matt's nephew is a spitfire and can poop like no 18 month old should be able to, so still no baby bugs for me. Other than the 12 hour car ride taking a terrible toll on my back it was a pretty good trip.
But I suppose I should delve into deeper topics at such a late hour. I'm pissed. I'm pissed about pretty much everything in my life right now, and I say it not for the sympathy or the "how you doing?" emails/phone calls, I'm saying it because I feel it is an important emotion for me to get out of my system. I keep retrospecting in a RENT-esque "How did I get here? How the Hell?" way, and everyone must agree that it's been a difficult few months for us. Yes, we're doing better than some, which I am thankful for, but I am completely pissed at life in general.
I've theorized (and correctly, from what I've been reading lately) that I'm a part of a sad, pathetic Generation that feels like we've been dealt a bad hand in life. We grew up in many different situations but most of us could either afford college or, rather, took out an exorbitant amount of loans to pay for a college degree that, we were told, would help us accomplish whatever goals we wanted. "Just get a degree," we were told, "a BA is all you need and you can get any job after that." So that's what we did. While spending tens of thousands of dollars on these degrees the economy tanked, so upon graduation we went into the workforce getting any job we could get because we had to in order to survive. For me, that meant coming to Denver and working at Caribou, then getting that cursed job at Opera Shop that destroyed my soul. But we did it because we had to, and the economy and employment environment kept getting worse.
In 2008 I happily voted for Obama, because McCain/Palin was an INSANE duo determined to destroy the country even more, and when Republicans lost that election they bitched and moaned like whiny babies and refused to help improve the situation, refusing to set aside differences and work with Democrats (who were elected BY THE CITIZENS) to help the American People. Then, in 2010, they ran on a platform of "the Democrats didn't do shit in the last two years!" and won in landslides. Now we're seeing essential programs, like education and the nuclear responsibility program, are being cut and people are bitching that this is all the Democrats' faults. Extreme right-wing Republicans are taking away laborer's rights in an effort to obliterate the working middle class, and a new bill was even introduced to ban striking employees from utilizing programs like food stamps. People blame Obama's healthcare reform, saying that all the money is going there, making the deficit even higher. You know, forget the fact that the healthcare reform will actually end up costing us LESS than the old program. Oh, and let's just forget about the millions of children who are now insured, the elderly who can now be covered because there are no more "pre-existing conditions," and the gap kids in their early 20s who are now insured by their parents' plans until 26. Let's just ignore that whole Christian Charity thing, that pesky idea that we should care for our fellow man, those who are less fortunate than we are, those who could use the help. Christian Charity is such an outstanding idea until it actually needs to be followed, then it's just a pain in the ass. I still, to this day, support the healthcare reform bill because it's a step toward universal healthcare, which I still think is the best option. Does it raise taxes? You bet. But if Republicans hadn't been whiny assholes about the Bush Era tax cuts and allowed them to expire (even though the expiration would have affected 2% of the population, and millionaires were ASKING that they be taxed more to help alleviate the deficit) perhaps we'd have a bit of extra scratch to fund it, or to keep funding "non-essential" programs like EDU-FUCKING-CATION.
So there's the bit of political anger bubbling underneath, but certainly not the extent.
I'm pissed because here I am, almost 27, looking back at seemingly wasted years of my life that aren't coming back. College was a fucking joke, and other than meeting Matt I can't see anything good that came from it. I've moved to Denver hoping for new beginnings, but after two years of struggling actually got some happiness, only to have it ripped away from me last August. Since then it's been struggling to keep my head above water in every way. Financially we live off my student LOAN excess, which will have to be repaid someday, but is a necessary evil. I spend three days a week dedicated to homework/class, and the other four working at a shit retail job. Somewhere in there I find time for cooking, cleaning, walking the dogs, working on asinine group projects, and occasionally spending time with Matt or Angela, my seemingly last friend here. But despite the busy schedule I feel like so much more is expected of me and I'm just fucking exhausted. Forget the idea that I'm exhausted from the busy schedule, but I'm exhausted from LIFE. I'm exhausted by sitting here and realizing a career won't happen for me for at least another two years, and forget starting a family by 30 (note, the original plan was to start a family sometime in my 28th year). I'm exhausted by people who get pissed at me because I'M not putting forth enough effort, because I'm failing, because I'm faltering. I'm exhausted from being the happy-go-lucky, ultra perky and cheerful person. I'm pissed that people expect so much from me. I got so tired of giving, of making concessions, of trying so hard to please everyone, that I'm fucking burned out and I'm done. I'm just done trying to please everyone else. I recognize the fact that my life has been total shit for the last few months and I'm sick of trying to keep up appearances about it. I'm tired to sugar-coating everything I feel. I'm tired of pretending to be happy, because I'm just fucking not.
And I know, this is going to set off a string of calls and emails from people, asking if I'm okay, if there's anything they can do for me, and I'll just go ahead and say that no, there's not. I'm hoping that this stage is like the seven stages of grief, that I'll eventually surpass the anger stage and waltz into acceptance. I'm just sick and tired of everything being so damn difficult. I'm tired of working shit retail, I'm already tired of school and the first semester isn't even over yet. I am just over everything. I'm tired of things being so bad. I'm tired of people expecting so much of me, and I'm tired of trying to fulfill these stupid expectations. I'm tired of lying in bed at night, wondering where the day went, and wondering where I go from here. I feel like I've lost the optimism I used to carry with me, the idea that things would somehow always turn around for our Heroine, because anytime something seemingly good happens a string of bad things follows. Somewhere there's a glimmer of hope that things will eventually turn around for us, but I'm just having a hard time holding onto it.
And even as I sit here and write I worry about what the readers are thinking. I worry about offending them, I worry about their concern for me, I worry about how they'll feel and I just can't worry about it anymore. I've been saying for awhile now that the best thing Matt's taught me in the last six years is that I'm #1, that I need to worry about myself first and others second. I also recognize that, in the past, my reasons for letting things get so out of control was due to holding everything in, not expressing my thoughts and feelings, and worrying too much about everyone else. So, in a way, be thankful that I'm writing this now because it's getting everything out of my system. And believe me, the last thing I need right now is a wave of contact expressing concern caused by this one post. I'm fine in general, I'm just pissed and trying to cope with these feelings that I typically don't allow to come to the surface.
But the train of thought has left the station, and now I'm finally feeling some silence in my brain. I'm hoping that I'll be able to sleep now, as we get right back into the grind tomorrow. And maybe tomorrow I can stop feeling on edge and angry about everything, and maybe start to feel a bit normal again.
No comments:
Post a Comment