Baby Blues

Just a brief post, as it's about 85 degrees in our condo and I'm doing everything possible to stay cool, including drinking 3 pints of ice-cold water and trying to move as little as possible (even though I desperately need to clean this place today, it's a sty!).

It's been about 11 months since I was laid off, and although I've accomplished several things like starting grad school I still feel very stuck. Because of the lay off what little savings we had was immediately gone, and because I had to return to retail our savings is still non-existent. But we've been getting by. We usually have what we need to pay our bills, and if we are a little broke we buy cheaper groceries, skipping the fresh produce, or cut out our monthly date-dinner. It's very hard to think that this will be how we operate until I'm done with school in Spring 2013 and am able to find a "real" job.

But the hardest thing for us right now is that we are ready to start a family. Matt and I have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3. We had planned out our early adult life very well, and we made a somewhat silly plan: when we finished our 4th World Beer Tour at Old Chicago we were going to give it up and start trying to have a baby. We finished that 4th tour at the beginning of July. But alas, we are not trying. In fact, because of life getting in the way we've postponed that plan indefinitely. We know it'd be so irresponsible to start a family now, while our annual income is right around $43K. So, we had to amend our plan and now we're waiting, probably until after I find a "real" job. By then I'll be 29, and Matt will be 34, and we will be tardy to the party.

It was sad, but it didn't really bother me till just recently. Here's the background info: the company I used to work for was owned by two brothers, and the younger brother's wife also worked there. When I was laid off almost one year ago the older brother had just had his second child. Shortly after I was laid off my direct supervisor, the sales manager, had his first child. And last week I found out that the younger brother and his wife were pregnant with their first child. She is my age; in fact, she's a month younger than me.

I mean, yes, it's a little bit of a jealousy. But the anger associated with it is much worse to me. The immediate, visceral reaction was Wow, that's awesome. I'm so glad that you were able to continue on with your lives and your goals and dreams; in the meantime we are struggling and miserable and have put our dreams on hold. Thanks a lot. But now the sadness has taken over, and the hardest part is knowing that nothing will change. We can't magically have the money and a new place to live (unless we win the lottery, which will never happen) and while I know it'll happen eventually it's just hard to think about. We had a plan, and we are ready, and now's the time we'd discussed, and now everything is screwed up and out of place. And it sucks. And as much as I want to believe the "everything happens for a reason" bullshit I just can't. I just see it as our lives being in limbo for another year and a half before we're even able to start our real life.

I'm waiting for my real life to begin...

But that's all for today I suppose. I've cooled down from my trip to the recycling dumpster and need to load the dishwasher, and possibly cook some lunch. And after that I'm sure I'll need to sit and cool down again... I can't wait for fall.