Angry Ranting, Part 1: Background Information

First of all, apologies for the epic silence over the last few months. Shortly after my birthday I went back to class: a 7:30-11:30 a.m., 5-week intensive course on Principles of Public Relations. It was definitely an interesting class. He started our first day with the infamous "red pill or blue pill" analogy from The Matrix, and it was definitely a "red pill" class. After learning about the Art of Spin and talking at length about personal ethics versus professional ethics... man, it was a class that really made me think and opened my eyes to a lot. I had to read a book, Toxic Sludge in Good For You, and give a short presentation about the book, which I began: "This book ruined my life." But I also found PR to be intriguing, especially the events planning and management portion of it, so it's on my list of "potential careers." We'll see. I'm pretty sure I got an A in the class, which is good. Now I'm on break until the last week of August.

I'm also working a lot more. I got a pseudo-promotion, becoming a temporary sales lead (kind of like a supervisor), meaning that I know work about 32 hours a week and make about $1 more an hour. It's not much, but it'll help. I'm not sure if I'll be able to continue after fall classes start (certainly not the hours, but perhaps the task at least) but we'll have to wait and see.

I've had a lot of "Oh, I have to blog about that" and "Oh, I need to make sure to rant about that" moments over the past few months. So, here's my disclaimer: I'm pissed. I'm angry with everything, I'm seeing the world without my rose-colored glasses, and standing on a precipice of joining the dark side or trying to stay in my happy, cheery little world. So, keep that in mind as you read, and I apologize in advance for the pessimism and f-bombs (especially to you, Mom!).

I know I've touched on this before, but I remember my childhood fairly well. I remember that I was a bubbly, cheery, happy little girl with energy for days. I remember that I was friendly, and loved everyone, and wanted to make everyone as happy as I was. I wanted to entertain, I wanted to make people laugh, I wanted to do good out there and make someone else's life better. As I got older, these things changed. I eventually calmed down a bit and became a bit more level-headed. I did, however, experience some really tough times. Now, I'm not going to play the "I had a rough life" card, because I certainly did not. I had a great childhood. My parents were amazing: I remember, at the time, being so sad that my dad worked nights and then was a PI during the day, so we never really saw him, but as an adult I now know it was his way to provide, to care for us. I still have no idea how Mom and Dad did so well with us... Mom needs to teach parenting classes.

I did, however, have a hard time making friends; in the fifth grade I went through the first major crisis in my young life, being ditched by friends for others, being pushed aside as unimportant and "uncool." As an adult I have a hefty grudge in place against all of them (So-and-so got knocked up and lives in a trailer, Whats-her-name is soooo fat now... yes, I am that petty sometimes) but as a child I took it to heart and it still affects me a bit today. I always used to assume the best in people, and now I just can't anymore. But once I hit high school I had a solid group of friends, was dating, and was participating in activities that I loved like the musicals. As sad as I feel admitting it, high school is still one of the best times of my life.

I went away for college, picking a public university about 7 hours from home, because the guy I was dating at the time had said "if you pick a public university within a day's drive from home, I'll go there with you." Of course, if I'd known then that it'd been a lie, I probably would have stayed in Minnesota. I wouldn't have had the shit storm that was college. I also wouldn't have met Matt, either, so I guess it all worked out in the end. As many of you already know, college was tough for me. Between an awful freshman-year roommate, a falling out with a sophomore-year roommate, awful friend influences and an even worse boyfriend situation, I was ready to get the fuck out of Kirksville and move on. Then I met Matt. Then I stayed in Kirksville for an extra year to stay with him. And we got engaged and moved to Denver.

Still, somehow, I was positive. I moved west thinking it was a fresh start, a new beginning, that things were "finally coming up Courtney." We moved into a shit hole apartment and took jobs paying $9/hour. We did not have cable, we did not go out except for the occasional outing to Old Chicago. We ate cheap junk food, and we struggled until I took a new job about 9 months later. That new job was at Opera Shop, and it was the worst 2 years of my professional life... yes, even worse than Travelers. At least Travelers had entertainment value.

And I'd say Opera Shop is when everything started falling apart. I took a pay raise of $3/hour, but stayed on at Caribou on Sundays, which was a bit stressful. The problem at Opera Shop was that I was miserable. Oh sure, it started out fine. But the longer I was there, the worse things got. I worked with a lot of grumpy ass pessimistic people (don't get me wrong, I still love many of them!), and it was very difficult for me to maintain my cheery optimism. But eventually I succumbed to the dark side, and I started feeling myself slip away. I knew I needed a change the night, after a particularly awful day at work, that I stopped by the liquor store for a 6-pack and had 4 of them gone before Matt got home at 9:00 that evening.

I very happily put in my notice at Opera Shop when, after months of badgering, I was offered a sales position with a local coffee roaster. It meant taking about a $4/hour pay cut, but my sanity and happiness was worth much more than that. The general manager asked how much she'd have to raise my pay in order to keep me, and I excitedly said that she couldn't afford it. I worked my ass off those last two weeks, and on my last day I left, happy that I'd never have to return.

And that pretty much runs us up to my first post in August of last year. I loved my job. I was so happy, even though finances got a little tighter. Matt and I were doing so well. We were happy. I was starting to feel like my old self, like I was as a child: happy, cheery, wanting to do good and make a difference. Believing the best in people.

Then I was laid off.

Since then, that happy and cheery person has all but vanished. Not because life's been hard, but because life's been hard for me and so many others, while others bathe in their billions and think not of the greater good. Non-profits struggle because no one is donating. Retailers, grocers, and other industries raise their prices in order to maintain their profits while those of us down here in the mud struggle to get by. It becomes an ugly cycle. Let's use today's example: I budget $16/month for Netflix. Now Netflix is raising its monthly cost to $22/month. That's $6 more each month. That means I have to find $6 in my already-tight budget or give up the service. Like me, many other subscribers have chosen to cancel their service. So, Netflix has fewer subscribers at a higher monthly fee. Their profits continue to subside. So they raise prices again, alienating their customers, forcing them to cancel service. It's one thing to raise prices when you're a small, independent/local/family-owned business in order to survive. It's another thing entirely to raise prices as a large corporation making several million dollars a year in pure profit. But we'll go into that more later.

So here's your summary of Part One of this novella: as I've grown up, gotten older, and been in the "real world," I've really come to embrace the idea that life is pretty much shit. You go to school for about 20 years, then work for another 30-40 (or 60-70 in my case, especially if Republicans win the next election) and you have kids and struggle to make ends meet. The American Dream is dead. The family vacation is dead. The "two-kids-and-a-reasonable-mortgage" idea is dead. Matt and I were planning to start a family this year. Then I was laid off and everything fell apart. Now we are forced to either plan our lives according to the economy or be like the trailer trash in Missouri: have a gaggle of kids and abuse the welfare system. And so, we rack up tens of thousands in student loan debt, get a piece of paper that means nothing now, and try to get a job in a marketplace with 10% unemployment. And then you work. You work as hard as you can for as long as you can. You live paycheck to paycheck, never getting ahead, never getting to indulge in the things that'd grant some respite. And you have your little moments of happiness, maybe a fun evening out or a day trip, but it never lasts. You always come back to the bullshit. Your happy, cheery self from childhood is dead. Your rose-colored glasses are smashed by the weight of the real world. Aren't you glad you're here?

Yes, dark and depressing, I know. I am sorry.

And with that I need to get some sleep, as I'm up at 6:30 tomorrow to get ready for work. But, stay tuned for Angry Ranting, Part 2: Greedy Assholes and Dirty Politicians!