Long story short, the last few months have been really tough on me personally. No, this isn’t a postpartum thing. It’s not even a depression thing. It’s just been tough for a variety of reasons. First of all, I’ve still been exceptionally unhappy with my job. It’s been a big combination of frustration with the work, the clients, and the co-workers. I was really unhappy to find out that a new account person was hired at a higher salary than I make. I’ve also been really unhappy with the way work has been since I returned from leave. I believe that my needs as a mother - to pump during the day and to have a more flexible schedule - have been seen as a major problem by my boss and some of my co-workers. Just a couple weeks after returning in May I had my work ethic questioned, which just put a sour taste in my mouth for my work here. All these things being the tip of the iceberg, there’s a lot more to it, but I just feel as though my time here is done and I need to move on. Unfortunately it hasn’t been that simple. I’ve been actively looking for, and applying for, a new job since before my leave was over. There just isn’t much out there, and I don’t have anything on my resume (yet) to really boast my value and worth to a potential employer.
The adjustment to being a mom has been really hard, too. I feel as though I spend 95% of my day worrying about Jamie and trying to make things go smoothly. On the weekends I spend my time trying to maintain the house, cook, clean, and take care of Jamie. In the mornings I get about 30 minutes to spend, just with myself, and after work it’s all about getting Jamie fed, getting dinner on the table for myself and my hubby, and then getting Jamie to bed. By the time he’s down I’ve got maybe an hour and a half to unwind, which never feels like enough time. Add the stress of Jamie being really pissy lately and having more bad days than good ones, and it gets even harder.
I just don’t feel like myself right now. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had the time to recharge, or because things have just been so stressful. I worry all day long - about Jamie, about our financial situation, about work - and I know it’s not healthy for me to feel this way. I’ve been trying so hard to get out of this funk, but nothing seems to work. I just don’t have the energy to feel better, which makes me even more sad, which makes it harder to have a positive outlook, and it just spirals from there. Again, this isn’t a big, overarching problem. It’s just stress, and worry, and more stress.
I’ve really been struggling with jealousy a lot lately as well, which is the main reason I want to do this Gratitude Challenge. It started mostly with the financial situation, and being jealous of the people around me who have more than I do. That expanded to people I know who have a better “life situation,” for example, my couple of friends who are teachers and get to spend all summer with their children. And so I really felt the need to re-focus and try to find something each day to be thankful for.
So, instead of posting something new every day, I’m going to keep a running update on this post. And at the end of the month I’ll have a beautiful little list to keep myself positive moving forward.
November 1: My Husband
Today was an incredibly rough day for me. Bless my husband for dealing with me today, and for trying to keep everything in perspective for me. I don’t know what I’d do without him.
November 2: My Health
I am so thankful for my health. I’ve always been a relatively healthy person, but when I made the decision to drop a lot of weight a few years back I really felt my life change. I am especially thankful for my yoga practice and how it has kept me feeling healthy, happy (happier, at least), and strong.
November 3: My Job (sometimes)
As much as I can hate it sometimes, I have to be thankful for my job. First of all, I HAVE a job, which is already better than some people. Plus I currently have the flexibility I need to pump during the day and to manage drop-off and pick-up at daycare. Most people in my position in my industry don’t have that flexibility. And once I finish up a few big projects this year I’ll have some major points on my resume, which will hopefully help me move onto my next job.
November 4: Daylight Savings
The last two weeks or so Jamie's been sleeping in until at least 7:30 every morning... great, right? No, not great, considering I'm supposed to drop him off at daycare around 7:20. So, with Daylight Savings around the corner we devised a plan: we didn't adjust Jamie's sleep schedule but we adjusted his nursing/feeding schedule. Now he has 4 "meals" a day, goes to bed an hour earlier, and wakes up an hour earlier. Perfection.
November 5: My Parents
I have a feeling my parents will have multiple entries this month. I chatted with my mom for awhile tonight on my way home from work, and every time I do I'm reminded about how awesome my parents are. I miss them every day and wish I saw them more often.
November 6: Kind Strangers
After work today I had a few errands to run, so I picked up Jamie and headed out. At each place I talked to complete strangers, who were all exceptionally nice. At Men's Warehouse, when I had to return a few things from a work presentation, the sales gal chatted with me about how awfully heavy car seats are and make googly faces at Jamie. Then we went to Sprouts, where the kind Indian family in front of me in line complimented me on my adorable baby, and a very nice middle-aged woman talked to Jamie and entertained him while I unloaded my groceries. Finally, I ran to Papa Murphy's to get us some dinner. The cashier smiled and flirted with Jamie, and another lady talked to me about how 9 months was "her favorite age" with her kids. Then, a nice young man opened and held the door for me as I tried to leave with Jamie in his car seat on one arm and two pizzas in the other. The whole evening went completely against mine and Matt's "people are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling" mentality, and I kinda loved it.
November 7: Connections
I've only been working in marketing for a few years, and I've only had one job. As I mentioned, I'm ready to move on, and have been for awhile. However, since I went back to grad school and started at my job I've met a lot of great people. Many of them have opened themselves up to me as professional connections and while none of them have led to anything yet, there very well may be a time (potentially in the near future) when something comes to be. Watch this space.
November 8: Saturdays
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Saturdays mean coffee date with Matt & Jamie, and sometimes some errands, but mostly spending time with my boys and not worrying about much else.
November 9: Unseasonable Warmth
One last day of fall, highs in the 70s and the opportunity to get some last-minute yard work done... not exactly the most exciting way to spend the day but happy the weather cooperated so we could take care of it.
November 10: Cold-Weather Training
Growing up in Minnesota and spending my college days in Missouri allowed me to learn how to drive very effectively in the snow and ice... something that came in handy today when the temperature dropped 45 degrees over the course of a few hours and everything froze. I am, however, sad I no longer have an AWD car...
November 11: My Daycare Lady
We've had some differences in the past, but I still love my daycare lady. She really does try to do whatever she can to help us out. Today, the roads were SO bad that it took me forever to get over to her - and she's only about a mile away - so she met me on the road to hand-off Jamie so I could get to work and she could get her kids to school. She also has been so understanding with the weather delaying our pick-up times after work.
November 12: HEAT
Dear god, the heat. It's been Minnesota cold here the last few days, and I have been so happy to come home to a warm home. Along those lines, I'm also thankful for my house. Driving through downtown and seeing homeless people always makes me feel awful, especially on these cold nights.
November 13: My Son
After reading this story I can't even describe how thankful I am for my son and for his safe, albeit fast, birth. I love him so much and I'm so thankful things went the way they did and that he's here in our lives.
November 14: WEEKENDS!
There are some weeks that feel like they'll never end. This week was one of them. I feel like I have such precious little time with Jamie that the weekends are just so welcome once they come around.
November 15: Mommy Friends
Today I got to spend some Mommy Only time with a good Mommy Friend, chatting over coffee and scones about all things mama. It was such a great time to sit and talk about everything from breastfeeding to poop to husbands to work to, well, just about everything!!
November 16: My Husband (again)
Today wasn't a BAD day, it was an ANNOYING day. We started the day at the coffee shop, as we often do, then needed to run a couple errands. When we got to Target we opened the trunk and Jamie's stroller was not there. So I spent the next hour wracking my brain, trying to figure out where it was. We tried to run the other errands we needed to run, but we were only able to go to the grocery store - we tried to get gas, but apparently there had been a power surge and had shut down the entire operation. Across the street we tried to get Matt's passport photo at Walgreens, which had also been hit by the surge and wasn't able to do anything for us. I was so frustrated and annoyed and Matt somehow kept me from completely losing my mind.
November 17: Sick Days & Warm Baths
I got whatever random bug Matt had last week. My throat's tight and sore, I'm achy and exhausted. I've felt so bad all day and decided to leave work early, run just a couple errands, then head home and snuggle with Jamie. After he went to bed I soaked in a scalding hot bath and it was heavenly.
November 18: Coffee
Although I'm thankful for coffee every day, today it was needed even more so after the awful day I had yesterday. I'm still not feeling 100% though, clearly my brain isn't functioning quite yet. I had a mug of coffee and a mug of berries on my desk (we were out of clean bowls at work), and I went to grab some berries but stuck my hand in my coffee... thankfully we have plenty of it at work.
November 19: Mamahood
A friend of mine through work had her baby this morning! A little girl, another little peanut just like Jamie. My boss suggested getting her a little gift, so I ran up to Mamahood and got her a little gift certificate. Being there always brings back all the memories from when I was on leave, and reminds me how lucky I am to be a part of their community.
November 20: Great TV
TV has always been a big thing for me. I'm a little ashamed sometimes to admit this, but I love just relaxing in the evening with a good show and being able to escape for awhile.
November 21: Beer, and My Mom
It was exceptionally difficult to find anything to be thankful for today. It was a crappy day at work and the only thing that helped was talking to my mom afterward and drinking a beer when I got home.
November 22: A Sleeping Baby
I love my son to pieces. He's one of the most amazing things in my life and he means so much to me. But this kid does NOT nap. He sleeps at night, thank goodness. He sleeps from about 8 pm to 6:30 am every night (last night he woke up in the middle of the night, for the first time in months, which was really weird). But my god this kid... he just won't take a nap to save his life. This morning I put him down at about 9:15 for his morning nap and he cried, and fussed, and cried, and screamed, and cried... then he started crawling around in his crib, standing up... finally I just decided to pull him out and we went for coffee. He FINALLY slept for maybe 45 minutes, falling asleep in the car on the way home. Then it was the same story this afternoon... he fussed and cried for over an hour before finally crashing for a short while. We made sure to put him down a little earlier tonight, and now he's down for the night. Why, oh why, won't this kid nap?? I don't understand.
November 20: Great TV
TV has always been a big thing for me. I'm a little ashamed sometimes to admit this, but I love just relaxing in the evening with a good show and being able to escape for awhile.
November 21: Beer, and My Mom
It was exceptionally difficult to find anything to be thankful for today. It was a crappy day at work and the only thing that helped was talking to my mom afterward and drinking a beer when I got home.
November 22: A Sleeping Baby
I love my son to pieces. He's one of the most amazing things in my life and he means so much to me. But this kid does NOT nap. He sleeps at night, thank goodness. He sleeps from about 8 pm to 6:30 am every night (last night he woke up in the middle of the night, for the first time in months, which was really weird). But my god this kid... he just won't take a nap to save his life. This morning I put him down at about 9:15 for his morning nap and he cried, and fussed, and cried, and screamed, and cried... then he started crawling around in his crib, standing up... finally I just decided to pull him out and we went for coffee. He FINALLY slept for maybe 45 minutes, falling asleep in the car on the way home. Then it was the same story this afternoon... he fussed and cried for over an hour before finally crashing for a short while. We made sure to put him down a little earlier tonight, and now he's down for the night. Why, oh why, won't this kid nap?? I don't understand.
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