I just want to start this post with a little disclaimer: this isn't a cry for help, this isn't meant to be a whine fest and isn't meant to cause any worry. I've just had some stuff swirling around in my head the last couple months and I need to get it out, because if I don't then it could potentially become an issue. I just need to release some of this crap I've been feeling.
First things first, an update, not that anyone reading doesn't already know what's going on in my life. The family is good. Jamie is growing (slowly, but still growing) and I'm amazed every day by the things he's doing and learning. He's walking, he's trying to talk, he eats like a cow. He has 8 teeth and is getting his first molar right now, which has been terrifying and heartbreaking, but he seems to be getting over it well enough. He give hugs and is starting to learn about kisses, though his kisses are actually him darting at you, mouth open wide, ready to slobber. It's really like having a Saint Bernard puppy. He still hates napping, which means it's probably a good thing that he's trying to drop down to one nap a day instead of two. In fact, he's supposed to be napping right now, but he's crawling around in his crib, babbling, playing with his stuffed dog Rufus and turning his aquarium on and off. We've really settled into a solid routine otherwise, he sleeps at night like a champ and despite being away from him the majority of my time we try to make the most of our time, playing and chatting and snuggling as much as we can.
Other things in general have been uneventful, which I suppose is a big reason (other than being too tired, distracted, or having other important things to do) why I haven't been writing much at all this year. I suppose it'd be a good goal for me to start writing more frequently, as I find myself getting to these points where I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get my thoughts out of my head somehow. Matt and I have been good, despite falling into a pretty standard rhythm of "get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, put Jamie to bed, sit and relax/watch TV/play on computers until bedtime" each day. It's kind of nice, and also kind of upsetting, but I have no idea what else we'd do. Work's been work, which has been neither good nor bad and my amount of contempt for the place changes each day. Some days I think to myself "This is a decent gig, I get to come in and leave when I need to, the pay is decent, and I don't totally and completely hate everything here." Then there are other days when I want to just stab myself in the face to avoid having to go in. Matt's work has been okay as well, though they've had some changes in his department that have him a bit upset. The house is good, though I find myself often thinking back to when we bought it and wondering if we just settled or jumped too quickly because we just wanted to have our own place so badly. I'm really struggling lately with the amount of work required in our yard to get it repaired from its neglect last year. I want to have some flowers, maybe some vegetables, but I lack the time, energy, resources, and knowledge to be able to do much of anything. I also want to desperately do some remodeling, but lack the funds (and time, energy, resources, and knowledge) necessary to do so. So for now everything's in limbo.
I suppose that's a good way to transition into what I need to say, what I need to get out of my head and down onto "paper." In a lot of ways I feel like my whole world is in limbo. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. It's just that there's nothing. There's this feeling of nothingness that I can't seem to shake. I don't feel fulfilled in any aspect of my life except for Matt & Jamie, and even that sometimes feels a bit lackluster as well. We settle into routines and don't do much in general, mostly due to lack of discretionary funds, and Jamie's not quite old enough yet for us to spend our weekends running and playing in our yard. For the most part we sit in the living room in a pile of toys and kill time until Jamie goes to bed. Matt and I had the most amazing time when we traveled to St. Lucia in January for a wedding, but we have really just been going through the motions of our daily routine since then. And it's not bad, it's not good, it just is.
I feel the same way about my own, personal stuff as well. I feel so unfulfilled in my job, which just permeates my entire world. I often beat myself up over spending a fortune on a Masters degree, only to find that I'm not fulfilled by the work I'm doing. There are so many days I daydream about quitting, about dropping everything and going back to work as a barista... low pay, low responsibility, but it made me so happy. I daydream even more about working for a roaster again, or about owning my own coffee shop. And every time I think about that I just get worn down thinking about the cost of doing something like that. All I know is that I float through my work day, sometimes hating everything, other times just feeling indifferent, and all I want to feel is like I am somehow doing something that makes me feel better than I do now.
I've also just been lonely. Not depressed-lonely, but just alone. I feel like I've lost touch with the people closest to me, mostly because we had a baby a year ago and we're only now starting to get back into a normal life that doesn't 100% revolve around caring for a small gentleman. But on top of that, most of my closest friends have moved away. Some just outside the city, but far enough that seeing them requires quite a bit of effort. Despite multiple attempts I can't seem to connect with another friend, and two of my other dearest girlfriends both moved to different states. But even then, if none of them had moved, if I were able to connect with them on a more regular basis, would I? Or has my apathy for everything spoiled that as well? I know that I should make stronger efforts, or try to join a book club, or a women's/mom's group, or something to break out of this funk. But as a true introvert, I often find even the best outings with friends to be exhausting. This all just feels very different. This feels like a true lack of interest in pretty much anything.
There's also been a lot of jealous popping up in my mind lately, an emotion I've always tried to suppress because what's the point in getting jealous of other people - we all have issues, we all have problems, it's just that my problems are not someone else's problems. I know that, while I am jealous of a few friends who have nicer homes, better jobs, better financial situations, get to stay at home with their kids all day and don't have to work, there are other people who would be jealous of me for having things they don't have. But still, these are feelings that keep creeping into my brain, so best to at least acknowledge it even if I can't get rid of it.
Again, I realize this is all sounding very doom and gloom. It's not, I promise. I'm not holed up in the evenings drinking myself to sleep. It's just how I'm feeling, for better or for worse.
On top of these inherent relationship things, we've had some stressful things pop up lately that are adding to the struggle. Our daycare lady has decided to close her business this summer, which means I'm spending a large chunk of time looking for a new care provider. Cue the "It'd just be so much EASIER if I could stay home!" thoughts. But when your salary is too high for you to stop working and be a stay-at-home mom, and there's absolutely no way to make the math work (trust me, I've tried) it can be exceptionally unnerving. At the same time, I keep trying to remind myself that it's for the best, as our gal has been "checked out" for quite awhile now, and hasn't been providing the best care. I know it'll be fine, I know, I know, but that doesn't change the amount of stress caused by it.
Insert financial woes here - yes, there's enough. There's always somehow enough. But it's tight. And for the salaries we make it really feels like it shouldn't be as tight as it is. Thankfully, and fingers crossed that it works out, most of the daycare providers I've spoken with charge a lower rate than our current provider, which means we could potentially save some dollars moving forward and pay down some of our debts. But as always, when you feel like you're starting to get a nest egg started, you have something happen - like a ridiculously high student loan payment you weren't expecting. Or a medical bill popping up out of nowhere. Or something happening with a car or a home repair that's suddenly needed (knock on wood, those last two haven't happened... yet). On top of that, that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think I don't even have a 401(k) set up yet, and I'm 30 years old. But does that really matter considering I'll likely never be able to retire anyway? And there goes the spiral affect. So no, don't dwell on it, because it'll just make everything worse.
So then the question begs, "Why don't you just change it?" And I think to myself, yes, I should just change it! But then you start thinking about your responsibilities - to your family, to your child - and I remember how my dad used to work 2 jobs, typically working 7 days a week, because he had to. And I realize that I can't be selfish. I can't just drop all the things in the world that make me feel this way. I have a duty to care for my family. And maybe in time - with some planning, with some savings, with some hard work - this will all change for the better.
So, there's the word vomit that's been stuck in my brain, finally down and out and released into the world. Now it's time to just take a deep breath, get up, and keep going. And eventually we'll figure out how to get over all this junk. And until then we'll focus on the things we do have, and the things that are fulfilling, until there are solutions to be found for all the negative. Focus on the good things. Just keep swimming. Things will be better, these things just take time.
No comments:
Post a Comment