What do you want to be?

So, you're unemployed. Now what?

Whoa whoa, Court, WTF do you mean? Well, it's actually pretty simple. I have become one of the faceless mass, those a victim of a shit economy whose employer faced a "reduction in force," and mine was one that was cut. The hardest part about it all is that I was finally with a company I loved, where I felt I belonged and truly wanted to succeed. I guess right now it all feels a little strange, but it opens a whole can of worms regarding my 26 years on this earth and the question we all face as first graders: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

In the last 48 hours I seem to have gone through several stages of unemployment "grief". First, complete and total shock. Second, gut-wretching distress and fear. Third, worthlessness and depression. Fourth, assertiveness and realism. Fifth, boredom. Sixth, deep contemplation.

I've been thinking long and hard since Friday about what I need to do next. Obviously there was the unemployment filing, the immediate and frantic job search for nothing out there... but all I've been able to do is wonder how I got here, how I ended up NOT knowing where I wanted to be at 26.

I vaguely remember, as a child, wanting to be a performer. I didn't want to be any of your commonly heard careers like a teacher, a doctor, or a policeman. I wanted to be a clown in the circus, I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted to be a DJ or a singer... this clearly manifested as I got older and began doing theater. But, once I got into college and started thinking about being an adult with a husband, a house, bills, kids someday... I knew that I needed something more steady and substantial. Through a stereotypical barista job I found a love and appreciation for coffee, which then became a permanent fixture in my adult life, first when we moved to Denver and through until last week. Along the way I thought of other things, like a career in marketing (not because I was really interested in it, but because I knew there was money in it), but now I feel a strange liberation of a new beginning... the flip side is that I haven't the slightest idea what to do with my life now.

One thing I have always known, whether it was a subconscious idea or a blazingly obvious one, is that I want to help make things better. Once upon a time I wanted to be a minister (I know, SHOCKER) but the backbone to it was wanting to help people. I wanted to be a performer because I wanted to bring joy to people. I loved working as a barista because, in some small way, I was giving someone happiness in the form of a mocha with sprinkles. Now as I look forward I try to think of a way to incorporate that into my future career. I've researched getting a degree in non-profit management and have applied to work at two local animal shelters because I want to help animals. I thought about a nutritionist-type job, fueled by my own recent weight loss (down almost 11 pounds in the last month or so, and considering mild depression supresses my appetite it may just start melting off me) but I know that requires some medical certifications that I don't think I could handle. The idea of being a wedding planner or special events planner has always appealed to me, but jobs in that field seem scarce (and as silly as it sounds I've never felt "girly" enough to be a wedding planner). In a perfect world I'd be able to open my coffee shop right now, as opposed to waiting till I am older, but there is no start-up money available. All I know is that I need to help, I need to bring joy to people, I need to do something that I feel is worthwhile. I refuse to have a job I hate, I refuse to do something for 40 hours a week that makes me miserable or doesn't fulfill this need.

So, needless to say, sacrifices will be made until I figure out my life. We will probably cut our DVR and home phone line (yeah, the one we just got about a month ago), we'll cut dates out altogether (Matt and I will just need to have homebound date nights with Netflix), and I'm sure groceries will also diminish in quality (fresh fruits and veggies will be swapped for Ramen and Mac & Cheese). There has been discussion of selling the VW Beetle as well (which will depend on what happens with me and my future job or return to school) and Matt's planning to take the light rail to work to save on gas and car expenses. The hardest part for us at the moment is that we recently added a second dog to our family, a 4 month old wirehaired dachshund that we've named Ozzie. I have to take care of him, it's our responsibility, and I don't want his young life to be spoiled because we can no longer afford to take care of him. I'll eat Ramen every night to make sure he and Mirabelle have what they need.

Now I must take some time to soul-search and answer the question Miss Grove asked me nearly twenty years ago: "What do you want to be?" I just hope I can figure that out.