Workin' For a Living

It's been, and is going to be, a long week of more work for little pay. I started on Sunday:

Sunday: 6:30-1:00 Old Navy

Monday: 6:00-3:00 Old Navy

Tuesday: 6:00-11:00 Old Navy

Wednesday: 8:00-12:00 B&BW

Thursday: 9:00-2:30 Blue Bear Cafe

Friday: 9:00-2:30 Blue Bear Cafe

Saturday: 1:15-4:45 B&BW

That's all I have so far... but I'm sure I'll be working every day until next Thursday. I changed my availability at both jobs so I'd be available mornings for Old Navy and evenings at B&BW... I'm working about 20 hours at B&BW the week of Thanksgiving, including Black Friday Weekend. I don't know yet about Old Navy.

The thing that's got me pissed as hell is the fact that, with all these hours between three different jobs, we STILL aren't making ends meet. We aren't going out to eat (we did go out with Angela last week for Veterans Day but that's it) and we aren't even buying groceries... we are stretched to the limit because of our bills. We aren't doing anything fun or exciting and we really aren't even enjoying our lives right now, just working and paying bills.

"Hey I'm not complaining 'cause I really need the work

Hitting up my buddy's got me feeling like a jerk

Hundred dollar car note, two hundred rent.

I get a check on Friday, but it's all ready spent"

I'm so fucking sick and tired of all this and it seems like no logical or reasonable excuse is making me feel better. Yes, we are in a recession and yes, we're in that unlucky income bracket that barely lives paycheck to paycheck. We graduated from college and entered the workforce at the wrong time. I can tell myself this all day long until I'm blue in the face but it never helps. I can play the "just stay positive, things can only get better!" line but it's lost its affect. I can't be positive. I can't pretend like everything is going to be fine because to be completely honest with you I don't think things will ever be better. All I can see ahead is that Matt and I will be forever struggling, borrowing money from friends and family, living in shit-hole apartments, and we'll never be able to buy a house or start a family. We'll always have one shit car and we'll live off processed foods, we'll never be able to take vacations to places we've always wanted to visit, and we'll just grow old and miserable together... if this bullshit doesn't pull us apart first. I honestly don't know how Matt deals with me when I'm like this.

We used to joke about moving back to Minnesota and living in my parents' basement... what's really insanely sad is that the thought has seriously crossed my mind a few times, and what's sadder is the realization that, even if we wanted to, we couldn't because moving is so damned expensive. It's such a raw feeling, that no matter what we try we just keep getting screwed over. I'm not enjoying anything at all, just getting up every morning, going to my shit retail jobs, earning just over minimum wage, paying my bills and getting screwed everyday by an unforgiving economy and the most rotten luck in the world.

There's nothing right now that makes me happy. I know that the people who've known me for a long time will be worried by this statement, but I will say that I'm feeling better than I did 6 years ago. Regardless, the stress and anger and - yes, I'll even say the dreaded D-word - depression has completely changed me. I'm not who I used to be, I'm not cheery or happy or fun to be around. I'm miserable. I used to think that, in the back of my mind, no matter how awful I felt that things would start to come around, that things would get better if I was just patient and stayed positive. But now I look at everything and can't help but feel like it's all a big crock of shit.

I often think I should just fall back on an old crutch like Caribou. Suck it up and pursue a store management position, since that's what they wanted me to do, and because I often worry that I'll never have a "real" job. Maybe I'm just one of those people who will always be working in retail, working my way slowly up a ladder to some sort of management, maxing out at maybe $30,000/year... and I'll go to my class reunion in two years and everyone will wonder why I'm not working in a theater or pursuing a stage management or acting career... and I'll just be another theater kid that didn't have the skills to make it out there in the real world. And I'll come home every night from my shit retail job, sit on the couch with my dogs, and watch TV (till we can't afford cable anymore) until it's time for bed and then get up and do the whole damn thing over again.

I keep wondering if these realizations will make it easier for me to get through, if knowing that life's always going to be a struggle will actually make it more bearable... but I honestly don't know. I came to this conclusion a couple weeks ago and it hasn't helped yet.

I thought... that I would become something special, that I would live a life set apart from and above the maddening throng. But as I sit here watching that throng I realize that I'm just one of billions of people, most of them with dreams that will never come true. One tiny ant in a colossal colony, an extra in a big cosmic picture show. It sucks.