I'm also hurting today. As I've mentioned before I have had pretty bad back pain for about 9 months now, which got better for awhile, but has been very sensitive for a long time. Well, on Sunday on my way into work I very embarrassingly stumbled and almost fell flat on my face. Almost. In an attempt to save myself from falling outside a Swarovski store I torqued, twisted, and absolutely killed my back. Again. This time, instead of a bulging disc on the left side of my back, I must have pulled a muscle on my right side and have been waylaid for the last few days. It just makes me feel like I'm still horribly out of shape. Sure, I've lost about 25 lbs, but as far as strength I'm still a mess. I've been paying $100/month over my normal expenses to pay off my physical therapy deductible from last year and feel like it's been a total waste. I'm trying to decide if it'd be worth it to take that $100/month I've been paying since January and put it toward a yoga membership. After talking to a friend of mine, who is an avid yoga-er, I'm considering it. She had chronic back pain before she started yoga and said that, after doing yoga for a few months, her strength was improved and her pain just went away. It's really just the money that keeps me from doing it, but I've had to pay it the last few months anyway, so I just don't know.
Anyway, I keep trying to change my perception of my birthday, but every year I try and every year I fail. I guess my birthdays have always sucked, and I don't really know why. I remember having Pizza Hut birthday parties as a kid, which were always pretty okay, but I also remember parties as a kid where my friends ended up fighting with one another and making the whole day awful. The birthdays in middle and high school where uneventful and unmemorable, which I suppose is better than the former, but I honestly can't remember the last birthday I had that was actually good. My 21st birthday was the absolute worst possible day of my life, non-birthdays included, and my 25th was pretty rotten as well. Last year I had a birthday barbeque at a job I loved, and it was a great afternoon. Of course that memory is sour now, a year later, and this year really hasn't been great either. Tainted by just the events of the last 9 months, but it's been another year of the same shit.
I don't want to care about my birthdays anymore. I don't really want to have birthdays anymore. Next year I'm going out to dinner with Matt and Angela and no one else. I'm just done trying to have parties and I'm going to try to expect less from people. I know it sounds a little depressing, and I promise I'm not sitting alone in the dark crying about it. I'm just kinda numb to today. Honestly I just want the day to be over so I can stop thinking about it. But I'm trying to make the most of it. I'm going to go find a big, fancy bottle of some specialty beer and make myself a dark chocolate birthday cake. But here's my question: why am I doing these things for myself? I guess that's what bugs me about all this. Someday I hope to have a birthday celebration that I don't have to plan, I don't have to be a part of except to attend... but I also don't want to have birthdays anymore. Every year is just a letdown.
I'm not sure why I expect so much from people. It's not really fair, when you think about it. I have unrealistic expectations, it's like I took all the crap from movies and TV and have imposed it onto my life. But am I expecting too much or it is reasonable to expect your friends to show they care on your birthday? I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm justified in feeling the way I do. I guess that is what's hard about this. I've lived a good portion of my life thinking I was the problem, having people tell me that I'm overdramatic and such, and now as an adult I can't figure out what's true.
All I know is that I've got to let go sometime. Whether I'm expecting too much or I am actually being shit on I just need to let it all go. I just can't let this stuff affect me like this, and whether or not what I'm feeling is justified I can't hang onto it and let it ruin me. So I'm going to enjoy my fancy beer, eat a delicious homemade dark chocolate cake, have dinner with my husband, and go to bed. And tomorrow starts a new outlook, a new mindset, on relationships. My 27th year will be one of no expectations, no letdowns, and no more drama. I'm going to focus on school so I can get a great job after I graduate (I just got an email from my advisor, letting me know that the Dean approved my dual specialties in Sports & Entertainment Marketing and Brand Management & Communications) and I'm ready to focus on me and Matt and no one else. Maybe that's insensitive, maybe that's cruel, and maybe it's unwarranted and I'm just expecting too much from people, but it's what I need to do. I just need to let go and let things roll off me without getting so upset or dramatic about it.
So here's to the next year. Happy freakin' birthday to me.
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