And yes, that's about the extent of my excitement for today.
Friday was my meeting with an admissions counselor for the UC-Denver's School of Public Affairs, and I was actually pretty impressed with the broad spectrum of the program. I went in with an interest in non-profit management but didn't really realize how many different fields are involved... I am not terribly sure if it is a right fit for me, at least not from what I've researched so far... I guess I have never seen myself in a leadership role, especially not in government, but I can't really say my esteem has been terribly high lately.
I have a feeling that I will be revisiting the Business School and applying for their MS in Marketing. I'm not entirely sure if I'll enjoy Marketing... I mean, I'm sure it is interesting but I don't really know enough about it to know if I'd like it. I do know that, if I can get into it, there is usually pretty good money in it. I could always get that Masters, and get a non-profit management certificate, and then I'd hopefully have my bases covered for whatever I may end up doing in the future. I guess we'll see in two years.
I can't help but realize that, if I go back to school for two years, I'll be graduating just about when Matt and I were hoping to start a family. Could I manage doing both, graduating and trying to re-begin a career track, and start a family all at the same time? Or do I need to change my plans to accommodate this? Not to mention I'd be getting a brand new job, working for maybe a year, then having to take time off for maternity leave. I just thought, when things started to get better earlier this year, when I got the new job, that I'd have a good couple years at a job I liked and that Matt and I would be saving some money up so we could be prepared in two years. But if I go back to school that's zero income for me (unless I get some sort of cost-of-living loan, but that will probably do more harm than good) and we won't have that preparation.
I think that is the main reason why I'm so upset about all this. It's not the sudden shock, it's not actually losing the job and the money, it's not the gnawing boredom I feel everyday, it's the fact that being unemployed has completely fucked my future plans. I'm the type of person that has to have a plan, I hate things being un-organized, I hate spur of the moment surprises, I hate having plans that suddenly no longer exist. If I have to change a plan I want it on my terms, not someone else's, and I'm just so angry that I don't quite know what to do.
I feel like Matt and I will never accomplish the things we want to do, and I'm so pissed about it. We want to buy a house, have a family, travel and vacation, buy a new car (like an actual "new" car)... and now with all this uncertainty we aren't able to confidently do anything, not even going out to eat or seeing a movie. Our life has quickly become TV-focused (until things get bad enough that we have to cancel the cable) and we spend our days off together taking care of the dogs and sitting around. We were hoping to re-vamp our "home office" with a new computer next spring, and were hoping to move into a larger apartment or townhouse sometime next year. I'm not even planning for anything beyond next month because of this major change. It's just so frustrating.
On lighter and perhaps happier news tomorrow is mine and Matt's two year wedding anniversary. We were hoping to spend our Saturday together and have a date, perhaps try to take a day trip somewhere, but needless to say that didn't happen. Instead, thanks to the generosity of my parents, we'll be having dinner at Old Chicago. We had already decided not to get presents for each other (Ozzie kind of became our present for both of us) so at least we don't have to worry about that, but I was hoping to get him a little something extra... it seems like we've had to dumb down so many of our celebrations in our 5 years together due to money and other stresses. For once I'd love to actually have a real celebration, like take a trip or splurge on something really extravagant.
But I suppose it's time to do some womanly duties like take Ozzie outside and then make dinner... one good thing about being home alone every day is that I can prep and cook meals every night...
Hopefully the Anger Stage will subside before tomorrow so I can celebrate our anniversary, at least a little.
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