I've been sitting here, staring at this open text box, trying to decide what to say. It could be because it's 8:30 and I've been up for two hours already (certainly not uncommon as Ozzie wakes me up every morning bright and early) and it could also be because I don't really have anything exciting to say. It's really been more of the same old boring stuff every day... right now I'm working on re-watching Veronica Mars, which has been one of the successes I've had as of late. I've been looking for jobs, but everything out there I'm either not qualified for or they won't return my inquiries. I'm pretty pissed that I've applied for about 6 barista positions and haven't heard from any of them. I understand that I've got some management experience and that may be a turn-off for a simple barista job, but at this point it'd give me the hours and the flexibility I need if I'm able to go back to school.
The return to school has been weighing on me a lot lately, ever since I discovered the application deadline for the counseling degree was yesterday. I'm still waiting to hear if there is a late-admissions date, but if there isn't I'm not quite sure what I'll do. Those nagging feelings of self-doubt and confusion are creeping up, and I find myself wondering if I'll ever figure out what I want to do with my life. I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I missed some crucial moment in my upbringing where I was supposed to know this stuff. I look back and remember so little of my childhood and wonder where I went wrong, where I started making mistakes and set myself up for this.
I'm not saying I'm a failure, and I'm not saying that I had a rotten childhood or anything like that. I'm just saying that I've never felt like this before. It seems like the majority of my life, especially in high school, I was so focused on my art and doing well and being a good friend that I screwed up somewhere along the way and lost sight of me and what I wanted. I've always worried that people think I'm selfish and I've tried so hard to combat that. And in college that got me into a lot of trouble... but college taught me a lot and I know I'm a better person for it. When I met Matt and we started dating I started to realize that I had to put myself first in many situations, and I'm still coping with that. I'm so terrified that people will think I'm self-absorbed that it's crippling. I can't make decisions, even simple ones like what to have for dinner, because I don't want anyone to be disappointed or think I'm making decisions just for me without regard to anyone else's needs or wants. I just don't really know how to get over that because I feel like it's so deeply ingrained in my daily life.
Hmm, well, that came out of nowhere.
Part of me honestly feels like I should pursue the theater teacher career just so I can help kids like me. I loved being involved in the theater but the idea of living in a shit apartment with no one and working three jobs just to make rent makes me want to vomit. I feel like those kids like me, the starry-eyed dreaming head-in-the-clouds kids need some guidance and direction. Certainly not to disillusion them, but to say to them "If this is what you want, you'll have to be willing to sacrifice and put forth a lot of effort." But I shouldn't beat around the bush, either. Angela reminded me a few days ago that, back in the day, I wanted to be a dramaturg. And it brought back all these feelings and desires I had about it... researching the crap out of a piece of literature, sharing that information with others, making a production crew really understand and get into the world of their play? God, it sounds so wonderful. I've only written one (on Rent for Lee's Musical Theatre course in college) but I found it fascinating. Unfortunately, it falls into that category of impractical career choice. No stability, unless I can get in at an established house like the Denver Center; and I'm sure the pay is pretty low unless you're hired into a contact at a big-name place.
But I suppose that's enough soul-searching for today. I'm no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life than I was yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. I keep flashing to a scene from How I Met Your Mother in which Lily decides she wants to be a "beat poet," a "bee keeper," and all sorts of other ridiculous things. At the end she decides to go back to what she was doing before, which was teaching. As for me, I don't know what I'd go back to. Every job I've ever had was simply that: a job. I liked working in hotels, I liked working at coffee shops, but none of those are really something I want to pursue as a career. The closest thing to it is owning my own coffee shop someday... but in order to do that I'll need start-up funds, which I am starting to wonder if I'll ever have enough to do it. Money seems to be one of those things that I have for a little while, then something happens and I don't have it anymore. But I suppose that's everyone right now.
As for the immediate future I plan to spend today cleaning my apartment and getting ready for the arrival of my parents. I'm not so much worried about what they (especially Mom) will think of my place, but I guess it's a ritual I've taken from childhood: whenever company was coming over I'd have to clean my room and dust and vacuum and help Mom get ready for it. Plus it serves as a good excuse to clean up the stuff that's been driving me crazy for weeks. We aren't dirty people, we just let clutter take over more than I'd like.
I'm also trying to figure out what the hell to do with them while they are here! All I've got is a few restaurant trips, a brewery tour tomorrow in Fort Collins and the Beer Festival on Saturday. I always feel bad when they come visit because I feel like we don't do anything. Matt and I just don't go out often and, if we do, it's typically to the museum or to a movie or possibly a play. I just don't know what to do with them... and I worry they'll be totally bored the whole time.
Oh, and I almost forgot: I had my interview at the vet clinic, and it was either the best interview or the worst interview of all time. It lasted all of 6 minutes! I don't know if they already had someone in mind and were interviewing for the heck of it, but we'll see. I'm supposed to hear back by the end of this week, but I'm not holding my breath.
I am going to try to turn my brain off as much as I can this weekend and just enjoy the time, though. Maybe taking a break from all the deep thoughts will provide some sort of clarity.
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