Matt and I have, for the five years we've been together, joked about how our lives would always be difficult because of Matt's family history... that things would always be hard simply because we were together and trying to make our way through this world. I always laughed it off, but in the last couple of years I can't help but feel like it's a true "curse." Just before we got married we had a series of three awful events that really hit us hard: first, my grandpa died in early August. Then, a few days after I returned to Denver from his funeral, I was in a car accident and had to pour over $700 out of my pocket to fix my car (yes, that's after insurance). Finally, TWO WEEKS before our wedding, I woke up with awful pain in my stomach and ended up needing an appendectomy... did I mention it was two weeks before our wedding??
Since then, life has been steadily getting better, slowly, very slowly. My job between our wedding two years ago and earlier this year gradually got worse and worse, driving me to drink (quite literally!), but our finances were good. We never saw our friends, but Matt and I were happy together and we were able to have a honest-to-God date day every week, which was amazing. When my job change came in March I hoped it was the beginning of something fantastic. I loved my job, I was working hard to learn and grow and be better at it, and even though my income decreased Matt's increased, so we weren't quite as hard up for money as we thought we'd be. We were able to get Matt a better working car, and we got great insurance through Matt's job when he transferred locations, and my best friend moved to Denver earlier this year, which made me incredibly happy. Yep, things were finally starting to look up, and we were making plans... plans about getting a second dog, moving into a larger apartment or even looking for a townhouse, even so far as trying to start a family in a couple years. We were so happy.
And now we are faced with unemployment and our family income has decreased almost by half. Despite applying for many jobs ranging from secretarial/reception to barista jobs to Petsmart and other corporate retail jobs and even with all my experience I haven't heard anything at all. I'm about 98% sure I'll end up in a graduate program (more on that later) but what do we do between now and then? If I get a job, great, but I'm sure it'll be a minimum wage part-time job somewhere. So what could make everything worse? What more could possibly happen?
On Wednesday I went to my condo's office to pick up a package for Matt. Our office worker and fellow resident, Robin, informed me that one of our neighbors (and believe me, I'm about 90% sure I know who) snitched about us getting Ozzie and that there would be discussion about it at the next board meeting. Since Matt and I rent a unit here we had no idea that a rule had gone into effect that no new or additional animals would be permitted to live here. So now there is a possibility we may have to move sometime in the next month. The condo community can't really request that we leave, but they can put pressure on our landlord. We haven't heard anything from anyone yet, but we are looking for a new place to live just in case. Unfortunately with our current financial situation we are looking again at a cramped one-bedroom in a shithole apartment complex. The one we were completely excited about (2 bed townhouse in Lakewood for $600/mo, complete with washer and dryer) turned out to be a scam. We've got a few others we're looking at, but we want to really have something equally as nice as what we have now (which isn't amazing, but it's liveable, except for all the assholes that live here).
The entire situation has gotten me to a level of anger I haven't felt in a very long time. I finally have subscribed to Matt's philosophy that I can't worry about anyone else, that I have to worry about me and my family first. And you know, the anger that I'm feeling has caused me to be a little petty. I fully plan to report every single negative thing I see in my time remaining here, every barking dog and every dog off-leash, every broken security door, every time there's loud music or pot smoke coming into my apartment. Matt and I are some of the only responsible pet owners here. We keep our dogs quiet, we pick up every piece of shit and always have them leashed. I'm just so livid that it's escalated to the level it's at, and that I've got this added stress on me. And if we do decide to (or have to) move I guaran-damn-tee it that I will be a miserable neighbor for the last few weeks we're here. Yeah, it's juvenile, it's petty and probably bad for karma, but I just don't care anymore.
On the plus side, I think I've decided what I will go back to school to study. When I started thinking about all the things I want to do - I want to help people, I want to make a difference, I want to have something relatively stable and hopefully a halfway decent wage - to be honest, it all started as a big ironic joke. On Monday I was sitting at home, looking for a job, realizing that I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I thought about how funny it'd be if I became a career counselor... you know, because I would be telling people what to do for a career and I couldn't figure out my own life. But it did lead me to research what it takes to be a school guidance counselor, and it turns out the Masters degree is offered at UC Denver. I've been working on an application for the program, and got a study book for the GRE, and am asking for letters of recommendation from old professors. I don't quite know what it is about it that makes it feel "right," but whenever I think about it I don't get that nagging "No, I don't want that" feeling in my gut. And I guess that's why I'm jumping into it without too much hesitation.
So I suppose that's the silver lining in all this. I'm unemployed, I can't find a new job, I may not be living in my apartment for much longer and may be moving into a dive, but I am moving forward and thinking about what I'm doing next. I just wish everything would fall into place. I can't stand this uncertainty and the wait between now and when I start school. I always look ahead and see that house and a family and all the things we want and hope for, and I just want it now. More than anything I want to know that all these things are going to happen, and that even if life is totally shitty right now that those things are on the horizon. I guess that's part of staying positive and trying to keep the bad at bay.
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